God, what is your plan for my life??

It has been a fairly average past few days. The same missing my family. The ache inside that you can physically feel. I got to talk to my kids tonight. It was very much needed. I have been consciously telling myself that things will get better. That is is just a season of sifting. Similar to being refined by fire. I ask myself… how many times do I have to walk around this city before the walls crumble. I know the answer…… The walls will crumble whenever I am completely consecrated to God’s will and instruction. It is no secret that the pain from the flames becomes almost intolerable. God knows the desires of my heart and there is no way that they are attainable by being lukewarm or mediocre. It is no secret that I have spent years holding back. I would let my circumstances or relationship with my bride cause emotional struggle. I let carnal things hinder my advancement. I let physical/mental/emotional pain rule over my life. I can’t help but wonder what is in my beautiful brides heart?? Does she wish pain and suffering onto me because of my sins? Does she pray for me as I do her?? I wonder if she remembers or thinks about all of the times that I told her how awesome/beautiful/important she was. Or does her mind only replay all of my stupidity?? I had wrote her a letter to keep on file if I ever could not handle the pressure anymore and decided to check out of this world. It was filled with declarations of my love for her and apologies etc. It was not filled with meanness or negativity. I wish that my heart could be revealed to her. I’ll admit… I’m confused. I truly feel like I am doing the right thing by holding onto our marriage. I believe that if I was standing in the court room of the almighty that he would tell me that I am doing what he would expect of me. Needless to say, her words and actions make things look very grim. But what about all of the other miracles that I have witnessed? What about Lazarus?? Jesus purposely waited until he smelled of death before he performed a miracle and brought him back to life. Is God waiting for there to be no glimmer of hope in mans eyes?? Or, is her own will always going to trump the will of God? Or, is this situation really the will of God?? God knows my heart. He knows that I could take her back no matter what she has said or done. God knows that I look upon her through “Jesus goggles”. It is not easy to look upon someone with forgiveness but it is what we should all strive for. I told my kids to look at people with “Jesus goggles”. We MUST learn to look upon people w/ compassion. I could make her feel like the belle of the ball. I want us to look back on all of our chaos and say to each other “wow, we put our circumstances in Gods hand, forgave, and now we are the poster marriage for miracles and overcoming”. I want to hold her hand every night and thank the Lord for second chances. I will hang all of my faith upon the Lord and not put any expectations on her shoulders. I will just lover her like God commands. She is precious to me. I know that this life is short on earth and one day none of this chaos will matter. But I really do want to have a fulfilled life while I’m here. And my family is that fulfillment. Wherever you are my beautiful bride, whatever you are doing, you are in my thoughts 24/7. I know what I have done to you. I know the embarrassment that you have endured but I promise that I am worth it!! I know that you are taking good care of our precious children and that they are being raised in a Godly house. Bless you lady!!!

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