When it rains it pours. So today I get a text that my store is closing that I work at. The company is closing 500 stores and didn’t let any of its employees know till 3 weeks before. I only make minimum wage which is terrible considering I have to pay back my loans starting next month for my degree that I worked so hard for just to make minimum wage. My boyfriend makes 10$ an hour doesn’t have his high school diploma and I’m stuck making 7.25$ and attended 2 years of school after getting my GED. This fucking sucks man. My head hurts thinking about how we’re going to be able to manage to buy things when we barely manage now. I honesty am thinking about changing my career and it’s sad cause I just graduated 5 months ago. I just want to be independent and live comfortably but it’s litterally feels impossible. After I got the news in work I went to my moms cause for some reason which I don’t know why I always want my mom when I’m upset. She was pretty absent in my life. My mom definitely loves me sometimes though it sucks because she is a alcoholic and her priorities aren’t really the best on top of living and practically married to the worst man you will ever meet in your life and she also had a very hard life. She wasn’t a alcoholic until her little brother got murdered and I guess that’s how she copes. Regardless, I feel like it’s not an exscuse to give up your child because I went threw hell and back in my life and I would never leave my child to be raised by someone else. If anyone has opinions on why I always want my mom when I’m upset please let me know 😊 all are welcomed. But back to what I was saying. I got to my moms house and cried to my mom about my job. She did make me feel a lot better but it still doesn’t change my situation right now. I actually think I might become a cop because I thought about it for awhile… the only thing I’m worried about is if they won’t allow me too because I was diagnosed with bioploar when I was younger. I haven’t been on medicine for it since I was 14 years old and honestly don’t believe I have it. But doesn’t everyone that has a mental illness believe they don’t have a problem? I don’t know. So im sitting here right now looking at my boyfriend. We live together he moved in like 2 months ago I love him so much he’s the first man that’s never physically abused me or verbally abused me. It’s definitely different. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship considering my first boyfriend is now in prison for murder and physically abused me extremely bad. And then my second relationship I was in he was a drug addict that was on dope I was so young when I met him I had no clue I was young and gullible. I also didn’t mention my first boyfriend I dated at the age of 14-16 he sold heroin and my second boyfriend 16-19 I was with a man addicted to heroin. I know, I really know how to pick them. I am now 21 years old. I think I’m attracted to broken souls honestly. Because I feel like I need to fix them… which is terrible but so so true. I just want to help. I feel like I have no worth unless I’m helping someone. My boyfriend now when we first dated this is our second time LOL. He didnt have a job, no car, no money, nothing. But I fell in love with him. He was no where near perfect but the innocence of him I was attracted too. Which he was not innocent the first time he talked to girls behind my back, lied to me, etc. But that was innocent to me. That’s the norm to me. Sad, I know just goes to show how fucked up my past relationships were… but now the second time we dated he completely made a turn around ❤️ He has a job, got his license, a car, I’m so so proud of him. And most importantly when he fucks up he’ll admit his wrongs to me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in a relationship was honesty. I understand we’re humans and we fuck up. But he’s just been so amazing. But because of how fucked up my past relationships were I don’t think I know how to be in a healthy one. I’ve been really really trying though. We have our problems, but I absolutely love him and adore him. I hope he doesn’t get bored of me. I just can’t wrap my head around any man wanting me and only me for the rest of his life. I honestly feel like there isn’t one man that actually wants that. So for him to say it to me constanstly I can’t believe it and don’t know if I ever will. I wish I wasn’t so insecure. I’m rambling so bad right now my minds racing with thoughts I haven’t stopped typing since I started for longer then a second. I guess I am honestly bipolar with these racing thoughts… I mean apparently that’s what happened when your bio polar. But I also have a lot going on in my life so I still feel like I don’t have it. I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll write again tomorrow and hopefully I can actually compose thoughts that aren’t so con jumbled. goodnight
21 yr old women. My life has always been a long rollercoaster that doesn’t seem to want to stop. Moms a alcoholic, stepdads abusive and glorified cause his job position, and having to raise my 14 year old sister has been rough. Father doesn’t know how to show his emotions not because he doesn’t want to but because of mental illness and social anxiety. Trust me I’ll be venting all my dirt to let it all out on here and what I wrote isn’t even half of it. This will be my exscape to let it all out. I just dont want to explode because I’m the one that always needs to keep it together and take care of other.