Split

I feel like I’m splitting myself into two. One half of me is the real me hiding behind the fake me. Going home makes me feel like I’m in high school again. It makes me feel like I’m under someone’s thumb again. Not going home makes me feel irresponsible. Like a failure to my family because i know they need help. Is it worth sacrificing myself? The identity that I have finally started fleshing out? I know I’ll be happy the first week or two but will I be happy within the year? Will I have time to myself? My own space? Will I be able to express myself the same way I’ve been able to express myself here? I’ve finally found supportive friends who are actually kind to one another and don’t talk maliciously behind one another’s back. Real friends. I don’t want to feel like a kid again.i do and I don’t. I’m enjoying making my own adult life. I feel like I’ve put friends first for too long though and family second. I feel guilty. It was a rash and emotional decision when I said I would move back. Dammit why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? Why did I call my mom when I was so emotionally weak I just wanted to run away?? I’ve been saying yes but my heart’s been saying maybe..maybe not. It’s been saying yes because I miss you but it’s been saying no because I know going back means not being Cat. It means being Catherine. It means putting on an old dusty mask that I haven’t worn in years. What have I done? If I try to talk to my mother about it she points out good reasons for me to come back like financial reasons on both ends (hers and mine), she points out that I’m the oldest and my little brother won’t grow up knowing me, and she well not she but I guess my grandma pointed out that my mom seems happier knowing I’m coming back to live with them. Fuck! I don’t know what to do! I want to do the right thing for my family and myself, but I don’t think that’s possible because in the end someone will always always always be slightly bitter about the eventual choice. I’m going to be slightly bitter. I love my family in small doses. They don’t know me and they definitely wouldn’t like me. I left because I didn’t think I was good for their reputation with their church. I feel like I’m a problem child in their eyes. I left because I didn’t want to feel like the black sheep anymore who couldn’t do anything right. And while I’m getting stronger I feel like I will weaken slightly moving back in. Fuck this inner turmoil.

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