A Loveless Heartbreak

This past year (2017) I met an awesome, funny, passionate, inspiring, good-looking guy. His name is Adam. I’ll never forget the moment I first saw him. I was at lunch with my friend Anna who was talking passionately about one of her favorite movies, when a guy from the maintenance department of our college made the speakers make a loud noise. I had noticed moments before a cute guy who was sitting in the booth behind Anna, facing me. When the loud noise went off, we all jumped, but no one jumped as high as Adam and I. We made eye contact multiple times throughout the rest of lunch. In the days to come I found myself looking for him on campus. I really wanted to see him. One day I was called in for an audition for a show, and guess who was auditioning! Adam. Now at the time I didn’t know his name, but while waiting out in the hall, we were paired up to read as a couple. Thats when he first introduced himself to me. At first I thought he was gay, secretly hoping he was because if we ended up getting these roles, it would be hard to not want to date him, if he was straight. A week later, I got an email saying that I had got the role and that Adam and I would be playing man and wife. Holy crap! In the days to come before our first rehearsal, Adam followed me on all my social media. OMG. So at the first rehearsal, I’m minding my business before rehearsal starts, when Adam walks in the theatre and sits in the seat right next to me. We start talking and we hit it off. I’m trying to play it cool of course. I don’t want to seem desperate. After rehearsal ended, I went to dinner and while watching Netflix, I got a snapchat from Adam. It asked if I “wanted to hang out sometime to get to know each other and maybe get into character” …  um holy crap. So I said yes. That night he came over. After being in my room for only 10 minutes, he was sitting on my bed and we began to watch a movie. My lights were dim and within 5 minutes of watching the movie, his arm reached across my back and his hand rested on my shoulder. He was doing the cute thumb thing where he ran it up and down my arm and rubbed little circles with it on my arm. As much as I liked this and wanted to continue, when he asked to hold my hand, I got nervous. This was the first time a guy had ever actually shown interest in me. 18 years old, freshman in college and I was finally in contact with a guy!! Now, growing up, my mom warned me about men and how they are “all about the visual.” So, me, being a bigger (thick- as the kids* would say these days) girl, I was always worried that no guy would ever like me. Because I don’t like me to be honest. Now back to the dim room with Adams thumb doing cute stuff to my arm… I ended up not holding his hand and saying “no” when he asked if I had any chapstick. I could tell he wanted to kiss me. But I had never been kissed before! I had no idea what I was doing. Throughout the movie, Adam would pause it and we would talk and laugh about weird shit. At the end of the night, when I escorted him out of my room, we hugged. After that we spent almost every day together. We’d snap chat during our free time. He’d come over. But each time he came over, I felt as if he was trying to makes moves and I don’t know why but I always freaked out and rejected them. I was totally into him, I was just nervous. I also didn’t want to rush things, since we had to work together in this new show! Makes sense right? So we ended up going to the school’s holiday ball together. The dance was boring but after was better because we went back to my friends room across the hall from my room, and watched Hercules. Adam and I were on the couch under and cushy blanket. We finally held hands. His hands were also roaming my thigh. It got a little too high a few times, so I just took his hand in mine. I was having a nice time. After that night, days later, he was over in my room and we were watching The Office. This time his hands somehow and kinda awkwardly roamed to my butt… now it was only small fondling but we hadn’t even kissed yet and he was feeling up my butt! I let it go, but he kept on mentioning kissing. He knew that I hadn’t been in a relationship before and that I hadn’t done anything yet. I never felt pressured by him, but in a way, I always felt guilty that I felt the way I felt. I knew that he knew I knew he wanted me. But I guess I played “hard to get” too good, because he started to back away. He blamed it on “not knowing his life purpose” and then there was a sudden death in the family. He ended up texting me that he just wanted to be friends… So I said okay! I knew what it was like to lose someone so even though I thought he was using that as an excuse, I was civil about it. One day he came over, out of the blue, and basically said that he liked me and that he wanted to take things slow. But I knew when he said “want to watch the office” that would mean more butt touching. And I didn’t want that. So I rejected that, but accepted we continue on moving slow (how stupid of me – I’m in the future too!). But once we got to Christmas break, we lost our snap chat streak and he started to ignore me and leave me on “read”. I was heart broken. I really had thought he liked me. But now I know that he was only trying to hook up with me and when he figured out that I didn’t want that, he spit. Currently, I am about to go back to school after Christmas break and I will have to see him every day until the end of this show… Wish me luck.

2 thoughts on “A Loveless Heartbreak”

  1. You are sweet. And he probably doesn’t know what to do with a sweet girl. There aren’t a lot of nice freshman girls tbh. Don’t let dumb guys (most of them are dumb /especially in theater/ so watch out) get to you. Honestly, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for not giving in to what he wanted. Never compromise!!! I wish I had someone to tell me that every thirty seconds the past two years. And yeah he probably wanted to sleep with you. He might have wanted more than that but obviously he wanted to sleep with you more than anything if he ended up just cutting you off like that. ugh guys make me mad. But a lot of things are probably going to hurt and change you the next few years. Just don’t let them change who you are at your core. Save your first kiss for someone who is worth it. Lord knows everyone else wishes they did. But if you mess up it’s okay! Get back up and start over. One day someone will be deserving of you. And don’t worry about guys liking you because of your appearance. You Are Beautiful!!!

  2. I am a thicker girl. There are a lot of guys interested in me. But it seems like they only want sex. I want something more. Don’t end up doing what I do and give in. You will only feel awful later.

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