Since November last year I have been going through a tough time. The year before this felt really good. I felt really good as I experienced a lot of new things after leaving high school. But I suppose I let this get to my head. My idea of success was what everyone places emphasis on like looks, going out, having money, working etc. I was just following the mob as always. What I let slip was my ability to by myself and to connect with people. I find it hard to connect with others as I am worried what they will think of me and I can come off as judgmental and strange. On the inside I am just scared. I have been feeling apathetic to life lately. I feel like lots of things have no point or I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel crap when I don’t do anything though. It doesn’t help that I am overly insecure and scared of the world preventing me from going outside sometimes. I have been able to sllw right down and realise I have become not a very great person because of how I respond to fear of the world and people. I can’t be a good person when I am too wrapped up in my fears. I have those moments in life where I get motivated to overcome my fears for the sake of being happy. But then I go back to being scared and hiding. I feel pretty abnormal and low about myself. I have been trying to accept myself because truthfully I will never be miss popular. Whenever I have some success in life usually with relationships I get in over my head because I grab hold of it as I am usually so insecure. Basically my ego builds. It’s all cery up and down. At least as I am going through this period of sadness I am not being egotistical as I have realised I am really not as amazing as I had thought in 2016 (I feel this tends to happen when you are an insecure person- becoming cocky once you experience good things in life). I don’t want to let the good things get to my head and think I am better than people. I am kinda scared to be happy because I feel like I start living in this fantasy world. I would rather be realistic. But I am scared I won’t feel a sense of magic within wonderful life moments if I don’t allow myself to be carried away in life. I dunno, everything just seems to be bland for me right now but in a way I feel I needed this… to get a real sense of who I am. I just want to find who my genuine self is and accept her fully. Bad things always come from not accepting who I am. But I am still only 19, can I really know who I am yet? I feel like a loser, I am not doing anything with my life rn. I feel I don’t need to blow things out of proportion but I find it hard not to when I am surrounded by ideals of what success is by other people my age who have friends, work, intellegence… they are doing cool fun things like travelling and dating etc. i don’t really feel like doing any of those things. Maybe I just am not ready to be quite that independent yet. Maybe just accept I am a late bloomer in life. I am quite abnormal I suppose. I hate feeling pressured to be amazing but maybe no one is expecting that from me but me. Maybe I am just creating false ideas in my head. I feel like I need to go through really shitty times to truly appreciate life. I feel like right now is one of those times.
I'm a 19 year old trying to come to terms with who I am and this world. It sucks. But its necessary. My mother has mental illnesses and was an alcoholic. She was domestically violent and caused lots of pain for my dad and sisters. So yeah I think that has fucked me up somewhat. Now that its more quiet (she's living at home with my sisters and I after an AVO- my dad is amazing and paying for her even after all the crap she has pulled and he is sadly not living with us) I am realising the repercussions of this experience on my current life views.