Identity/existential crisis

Since November last year I have been going through a tough time. The year before this felt really good. I felt really good as I experienced a lot of new things after leaving high school. But I suppose I let this get to my head. My idea of success was what everyone places emphasis on like looks, going out, having money, working etc. I was just following the mob as always. What I let slip was my ability to by myself and to connect with people. I find it hard to connect with others as I am worried what they will think of me and I can come off as judgmental and strange. On the inside I am just scared. I have been feeling apathetic to life lately. I feel like lots of things have no point or I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel crap when I don’t do anything though. It doesn’t help that I am overly insecure and scared of the world preventing me from going outside sometimes. I have been able to sllw right down and realise I have become not a very great person because of how I respond to fear of the world and people. I can’t be a good person when I am too wrapped up in my fears. I have those moments in life where I get motivated to overcome my fears for the sake of being happy. But then I go back to being scared and hiding. I feel pretty abnormal and low about myself. I have been trying to accept myself because truthfully I will never be miss popular. Whenever I have some success in life usually with relationships I get in over my head because I grab hold of it as I am usually so insecure. Basically my ego builds. It’s all cery up and down. At least as I am going through this period of sadness I am not being egotistical as I have realised I am really not as amazing as I had thought in 2016 (I feel this tends to happen when you are an insecure person- becoming cocky once you experience good things in life). I don’t want to let the good things get to my head and think I am better than people. I am kinda scared to be happy because I feel like I start living in this fantasy world. I would rather be realistic. But I am scared I won’t feel a sense of magic within wonderful life moments if I don’t allow myself to be carried away in life. I dunno, everything just seems to be bland for me right now but in a way I feel I needed this… to get a real sense of who I am. I just want to find who my genuine self is and accept her fully. Bad things always come from not accepting who I am. But I am still only 19, can I really know who I am yet? I feel like a loser, I am not doing anything with my life rn. I feel I don’t need to blow things out of proportion but I find it hard not to when I am surrounded by ideals of what success is by other people my age who have friends, work, intellegence… they are doing cool fun things like travelling and dating etc. i don’t really feel like doing any of those things. Maybe I just am not ready to be quite that independent yet. Maybe just accept I am a late bloomer in life. I am quite abnormal I suppose. I hate feeling pressured to be amazing but maybe no one is expecting that from me but me. Maybe I am just creating false ideas in my head. I feel like I need to go through really shitty times to truly appreciate life. I feel like right now is one of those times. 

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