Inner Demons

     It’s hard to deal with your demons on your own. I’m probably the poster child for counseling but still there are things I choose to not burden anyone with. Rape. Such a scary word. But in the end that’s all it is. And still it has been the reason for almost all of my bad decisions these past two years. Now I know what you’re thinking: you can’t blame all of your own mistakes on something, take responsibility, you have control of your own life, etc. Yeah I know. But sometimes you have to cope. Compared to most girls I’m actually doing really well. Its been a year and four months since it happened. Some days it feels like it was yesterday and others it feels very far away. Today is a day when it feels like yesterday. Those are the worst. I don’t sleep. And I eat way too much. I need to have less of those days. I’m going to try harder next semester. Sometimes I have to make myself remember. I can feel myself coping by pretending it wasn’t a big deal. But it was, and it is. Then I remind myself what he did was sick and intentional… and it all comes back. That kind of pain demands to be felt. I know I’m not, but I feel tainted. I feel like there are guys out there who wouldn’t want me because of what happened to me. Like it’s too much baggage, or I’m used, or it will effect my relationship with them too much. Idk… I guess any guy who takes what happened to me and makes it about themselves is a dick but still. It effects me. I struggled with that more at first. Now I only think about it when I’m vulnerable or tired. I can’t believe this is my life sometimes. How did I get here? I didn’t even let a guy kiss me till I was 18. And even then I didn’t really want to. And then 7 months later I was raped? How does that happen? Oh wait, this world is full of messed up people that’s how. These are the cards I have been dealt with I guess. It sucks. One day it will be okay. Now not so much, but one day. I know that. One day at a time. I can do that. Some days are going to be hard ahead, but I can do it. I’ve been through way too much to give up now. 

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