1/09/18

How do I start this off…. I’m starting to lose hope in myself. I have been told that I am stupid all my life and to some extent – I began to believe it since I was younger. 

I sat in dark for a couple of hours, doing absolutely nothing… Why? I dont know. I have no motivation. I don’t feel happy. I am constantly disappointing others and disappointing myself. I try to be positive. If you knew me, I used to be the most positive and “happy” person. I’d light up the room. Quotations around happy because when I’m with people I am comfortable with – I am high on dopamine. 

The minute I return home, it’s like a switch that has turned off inside me. I feel sad and lonely and I know I put on a facade infront of people. But I would not call myself “fake”. I just enjoy my time with others, but being alone gets me anxious.

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11pm

My ex bf has asked me to go visit him in Boston. He has also called me “cute” today.  Oh and last night… He asked to hang out at like 10:30 pm. lmfao no thanks. I don’t feel comfortable at all with his words. Is it ok to say that to your ex? 

I’m ok with being friends with an ex. 100% that’s fine! But to go out of my way to talk to them, see what they are doing, hang out with them – absolutely unacceptable. The past is your past. The moment you put effort into communicating daily and wanting to take an active part in your ex’s life – let’s be honest. You’re not over them. You’re holding onto them as a backup plan.

Now why am I so against this?  I don’t think active participation in your ex’s life is healthy. It will cause tension in future relationships. I don’t hate my ex. hate is a strong word. He was my first love and I will always have a place in my heart for him – but we’re separated for a reason. He’s only talking to me because he still misses me. The moment he meets someone new, I’m sure his future s/o will not be comfortable with his association with me. And I completely understand that. The moment he finds love again – he’ll forget about me. That’s how it is supposed to be. Why else would he want to speak with me? 

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As for the my most recent “ex”, after 4 years of on and off dating… and staying “friends”… that did us no good. I had to cut him off, I wanted to be happy and in something stable.

My heart got broken twice. Am I afraid of heartbreak again? no fucking way

(jk) I don’t think I am. Boys come and go. I know I am great. I don’t want to hype myself up, but I have a heart of gold. I put people before myself all the time and I just want to make other people happy even if I can’t be happy. 

I’ll be honest, I have a line up of guys waiting for me to be single again. Each are both individually unique. If I’m not an option anymore, well heck I have options. 

But damn, I am loyal af. 

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