Day 9 of 365 2018 – Elevating to The Next Level

Song of the Day: Hold Back The River by James Bay

Well, I’ve beat myself up all day because I didn’t go to the gym last night. Even though I fell asleep I still feel a sense of accountability.  So I will go tonight and continue to try and maintain my discipline.  

My heart is a bit heavy these days because of the recent deaths in the family. It just gets me thinking more about where my life is headed and spending as much time with those who matter. It’s never easy to lose someone you’ve literally known your whole life but again death is part of life and given time things will heal. Whether that’s a physical or internal wound. 

My job search is going I made a few phones call today and hopefully those lead to something. At this point, I’ll take anything I just want to be out doing something other than thinking haha 

Something I’m also learning as I go into this new year is that I no longer care about those people who don’t reach out to me. It’s not that they don’t care it’s that they have their own situations to take care of. As one relationship changes others flourish. Those types of friendships matter.  I have a friend in a way different time zone and I’ve talked to her more within the past two months than people in my timezone. 

I wrote on Facebook today that 2018 is the year of accountability. What I mean by that is holding myself accountable for the decision that I make. I’m often the one putting myself in handcuffs and then wondering how I got in them.  

It has taken me a long time to come to the understanding that much of the emotional damage that has happened to me is of my doing. Since turning 18 I’ve never been one to shy away from expressing to someone how I feel. I’ve had woman trouble my whole life so that’s nothing new. The damaging part for me is falling for the wrong people. I think it’s for me to mention that I’ve never been ” In Love” but I’ve been in situations where I thought a person could give me my one true desire. Today much like any day with me in regards to the women I like. I’ve only truly like 6 women since turning 18 and none liked me back. So that’s a story for another place and time. My heart is broken but I’m the one who broke it through expectation. 

Film stuff I’m working a feature screenplay with one of my bro’s and I’m really excited about what’s to come from this. It’s definitely something there but coming with something that’s concrete is a bit challenging and that’s what makes it exciting. 

I’m also working on some short screenplay ideas because I want to be remembered as one of the best romance screenwriter and director. So I’m in the midst of trying to find a voice and a battle of trying to write about a love that I don’t have. As a writer, I draw from motivation from experience. As of right now, I’m trying to work hand in hand with drawing from experience and you other inspiration and my imagination to configure stories that are worthy. 

The song of the day is Hold Back The River by James Bay

The song is so powerful. This past holiday season I realize how fast time is actually moving. My little cousins aren’t little anymore. My grandparents aren’t as young as the used to be.  Sometimes you just want to as James Bay said Hold back the river, so I can stop for a minute and be by your side hold back the river, hold back. Sometimes you want to hold time but can’t. That’s why I’m more than focused tomorrow isn’t promised and it’s easier said than done but I’m deteremined to mentally better this year. 

Until Next Time – Cherish The Tradition 

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