Jan 10 , 2018 Wednesday 3:47 AM

I haven’t really been up for the day , I’ve been sleeping on and off . It’s just my work hours , I haven’t been feeling well since around 1 am , I started getting hot and felt like I was going to puke . So, I got sick and I’ve been sitting around watching YouTube all night,  I’ve had some stomach acid here and there . I started my period the 7th , quite a relief. Me and my boyfriend have gotten into a fight earlier about surprising one another,  because he just doesn’t.  He’s not romantic and he doesn’t try to be .. I’ll point out or tell of something I like and he’ll usually say, ” cool.” Or “ok.” It’s kind of disappointing,  the last time he surprised me was with some boots he got me for my birthday,  and the first time I came here , he got me some flowers . He doesn’t do alot now , he doesn’t send me sweet text of how much he loves and appreciates me , he doesn’t surprise me with gifts, he doesn’t do anything mushy anymore . I’m not really into the mushy gushy teenager stuff , but lately I feel like I need it.  Like, I want to know that he still feels the same about me.. I get caught up in my stupid thoughts at night and always question if he thinks about other girls , leaving me , or if he’s getting tired of me . I’m sure he isn’t but it’s great to be reminded ya know ? He told me we would get married this year and I hope that still on the to do list. I get excited and scared when I think of things like this,  it’s just anxiety I guess . Fear has always been a pain for me, I always fear the worst, because I’m so used of the worst . I never grew up satisfied with my current situation or my life , there is always an ending , always some negative . Its quite scary , because you just never know what’s gonna happen next.  I love my life, Im just terrified as well . I wish I could stop over thinking,  maybe just accept.  Maybe in about 4 years I’ll be reading this , looking over at my husband,  holding maybe our child? I wonder what it’s like to just know . Im sure i would be satified with life if i just knew . 

 

That is all . 

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