01/10/18 — Sleep and Lack Thereof

Remember how I said yesterday that I was exhausted and hadn’t been sleeping well? Guess who stayed up most of the night unable to even pretend to sleep? This girlllllll. Today went alright until I got home and fell asleep for an hour. Then I went driving and didn’t get home until almost 8:00 PM, and found out that my stepdad flaked on dinner. He demanded that we set a schedule for cooking dinner and whatnot, and chose to not let anyone know he was still at the doctor. Then when he gets home, he starts slamming cans around and tells me “You’re an adult, you can cook for yourself”. While yes, this is true, he INSISTED on this schedule and knew ahead of time, AND he didn’t tell anyone that he wasn’t going to be home until late. I wouldn’t have had a problem making myself dinner, but for him to get upset with me for assuming that he was cooking dinner and for him assuming that I knew he wasn’t cooking. I don’t know. I know its all trivial, but it’s still stupid. He’s still very angry with me right now, and I’m just over it. I also had a fight with Dino yesterday and told him he was selfish. He got upset and ignored me until earlier today when he admitted that, yes he is indeed selfish and that the whole relationship was a result of his selfishness. I should advise him to read the letters he used to send me so that he doesn’t feel as selfish as he probably does. He used to admit that he was selfish and but that he knew he should do certain things so he doesn’t come off as selfish to his parents or other people. Then I realized that he probably threw out those letters, even though I just found a new horde of them in my room. I’m keeping them hidden away, because I need space. And I told him a version of that today. I told him that even if he did decide that he did see a future with me, I would want to work on our communication and friendship first before dating him again. I feel like we weren’t friends anymore at the end of our relationship, and I think it made things more tense, and just overall worse between us. 

I’ve also taken a few risks and have been talking to other guys on Tinder. This seems to be filling my free time and keeps me from blowing up any one person’s phone too much. I don’t want to come off as a bother to anyone anymore, and I want to learn to make new friends. Tinder seems to be helping my social anxiety by forcing me to talk to new, and different people. I know that sounds cliche, but aren’t cliches mostly based on truth? 

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