A lot of things happened since my last publication. I feel like my life had never got this crazy. Where do I start? Last year was one of the most stressful, one of the hardest years of all time. I was feeling a lot of pressure and I kinda freaked out. In the middle of that year, I decided to relax and I threw everything up in the air. I started drinking too much, going to night clubs, making out with random people, going on dates with people I met on Tinder…Things got really messed up.
I used to be an uptight religious guy and then I just totally lost my mind. But I didn’t care. I felt like I had to experience all those things…I fulfilled my fantasy of kissing guys and having a threesome. That felt so good. But then I had to face the consequences of my actions. Someone told my pastor and my leaders that I was doing all that stuff and it was a disaster. I felt really bad! I remember crying almost the entire afternoon one day…And I hadn’t cried in years. I decided to tell my parents and open up about my sexuality. They were very supportive in the beginning because I was really sorry, I wanted to get better and try a “healing” process or something like that. I was looking forward to it, but then I started reading about those things and I changed my mind about what I believed.
I talked to my pastor and my leader separately and, to my surprise, they told me that was completely normal. They both said that they used to have sex with guys and women when they were younger. I asked them if they stopped feeling attracted to men, if it was just a phase (I obviously knew what they were about to say). They said they still feel attracted to guys, but they pray and ask God to control them and all that stuff. They’re both married to women and have kids. That just confirmed what I already knew: there’s no cure for that.
People keep trying to fight their sexuality and it doesn’t work. Because you don’t have to fight it. It’s not something that goes away…It’s who you are. God doesn’t hate you for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual or anything else. He loves your soul and he wants you to be happy and true. I’ve decided to be honest with people and with myself. I can’t be phony and pretend everything’s okay, so I decided to open up about my bisexuality and be proud of it. I want to get to know people and explore my sexuality. Don’t want to be selective in my relationships. But I do think I made huge mistakes during my path. I don’t want to lose control anymore. Not the way I did. I want a serious relationship.
I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months. It’s great! I must admit I felt a little weird in the beginning because it was something very different for me, but it’s been amazing. I guess I had never fallen in love with a guy before. It was always physical attraction, but without feelings…nothing romantic. But I think I’m in love with this guy. He makes me laugh, he’s super smart, he has a great heart and he’s gorgeous. Yeah, I’m happy now!
Since I’m not hiding anymore, I’m okay with introducing myself. I’m Estevão, which means Stephen, and I’m Brazilian. Nice meeting you guys officially!