I’m Thinking of a special lady!!!

Happy dance!!!!!! I got my kiddos tonight!! They are such a blessing. My oldest had a bb game and the 2 youngest had a birthday party. They said that they had a blast at the party. The host told me that my children were very well behaved. One proud father right here. I never forget to give them encouragement and also props when they deserve it. Earlier, I got to lay my eyes on the most beautiful lady this side of eternity. I hope that she didn’t catch me looking at her. I mean, she knows how I feel about her but it must make me look foolish to be so much in love with her. But of course I never really cared to feel vulnerable. I do not mind that she is in control. I owe her so much!! My mother asked me today if I could be the man that my wife needs me to be. I responded…. not yet. Yes, I could love on her more that any man has ever loved on his wife….. however, I’m still on this roller coaster of emotions. I’m still in that “refining process”. I have to be completely and steadfast content with myself. If I can continue to manipulate my life and my thoughts to be 1) completely focused on God and what he wants for my life 2) satisfied and content with being alone and meditating on where I want my life to go. Ultimate faith and assurance that I will prosper and build my life back up to par with a strong family man. If I can do these things without my family by my side then I have truly mastered finding myself and contentment. Once I have done this, I can be an asset to my family. I will no longer be just floating through life. I have learned so much. I have trouble accepting why she felt that she had to leave and do the things that she has done. I know why she left. She truly felt like it was her only option. I constantly replay in my head the reasons why she was hurt. I’m not stupid. How would I like to have endured the things that she endured?? There is no way that we both could have healed and found ourselves unless we had this season of aloneness. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you were willing to watch me walk through this darkness to come out better on the other side. I do not want her to have to accept who I was. I want to build myself up to her level instead of expecting her to come down to my level and love me no matter what. I have even seen FB memories from years past and now understand why she was embarrassed of me. Many things are being revealed to me. I earnestly pray that one day things will be revealed to her that I am working on my life to not only be an asset to her, but an asset to myself. I have to leave it in Gods hands. I cannot wrangle it myself. I am beyond lonely but as the days go by and I focus on the miracle instead of the mountain I am becoming a better person. I’m sure that my beautiful bride is sleeping right now and I am daydreaming about her cute little snores and involuntary jerks that would scare me to death. She is an angel in my eyes. I love you lady and I pray for safe travels for you tomorrow.

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