I have spent lots of time thinking about my exes today. All of my past relationships, past heartbreaks, and past mistakes. I wonder why I have chosen to do this right now, but the psychoanalytical part of me thinks it must have something to do with closure. I want to know how to close my chapter on the most recent heartbreak in my life. My brain knows I have been through this before, and yet I somehow need to remind my heart that it’s been broken a few times..even if this all feels new…
I thumbed through old emails from exes dating back to high school. I even drove past my very first boyfriend’s house. It is not like me to creep like that, but I wanted to see it again, I wanted to remember it. I am not sure why.
I bet some part of me is afraid that I will forget the current ex, too. There is something about forgetting people that scares me. Maybe because it reminds me that I, too, will be forgotten one day. Perhaps one hundred years from now, after I have been gone for awhile, and the dust has settled on my bones, it will be the last time someone remembers my name. They will whisper it into the wind, and just like that, it will float away, and I will be forgotten.
If that’s too bitter, I apologize.
No communication with the ex today. Pride and vanity are at the center of why I want him to reach out, and for that I HATE myself. Gross. I wish I didn’t want him to talk to me, but I do. I want to know I impacted him. I want to know he misses me like I miss him. But, I know something of how the heart works, and in order for it to heal it has to have the space to heal in. You cannot grow a flower in the dark.
I bought 5 self help books today. I clearly want to make some changes.
Despite all of my narcissism in this moment of my life, I genuinely want him to be happy. I hate that we also lose our friend when we lose a lover.