Mud pie

Why is it that making messes were so much fun as a kid, but as an adult it just  SUCKS.

I spent my whole youth trying to learn adult trades, but you know what I got really good at? Fucking MAKING MESSES. Didn’t even try to learn that one and yet I have somehow mastered the craft.

My ex and I started talking last night (just spinning circles around each other with all the “I miss you” bullshit) and it felt like someone twisting the skin of your arm. It burns, but it kind of feels good, right? Yeah, well, then I had the bright idea to keep talking to him. And now we are all but back together, and it’s a mess all over again. BECAUSE SOMEONE LIKES TO MAKE FUCKING ADULT MUD PIES. 

I am sorry for all the swearing, but when I make a mess it just bleeds into my words and I start using fucking expletives fucking everywhere. 

FUCK. 

Why is this a problem? Why is almost getting back together with an ex an issue? BECAUSE IT IS THE PAST. THE PAST. I MADE A DECISION, STICK WITH IT. But you know what? I am lonely, and I like him, and I like texting him. Did I mention we live 3,000 miles away from each other? Yes, that is why we broke up. And now I am back here again. 

 

What is wrong with me? 

And you know what? I am gonna try to focus on myself, still. I am still going to try to find new opportunities, and do new things, and work hard on my work, etc. I am going to keep trying to improve myself so that I CAN make something of myself. But all of that means that I am not going to actively work on trying to be with him again. So what am I even doing?! I want the comfort of having him, and yet the prospect of having a future. 

If someone were doing this to me, I would be mad. Deep inside my heart, I am not even trying to be this way. I would like to genuinely see where things go with this guy, maybe he is good for me..?  But I also want to follow my dreams. I am not going to give those up for anyone. I need to follow my heart. THE PROBLEM, is that my heart is divided at this point in time. 

Here I am, your human mud pie. 

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