My life.

I hate being here badly my nephew is always here if it’s not him making me feel like shit about myself it’s my brother and mom. I can’t get away from them it feels like every time my brother is gone my nephew is here or it switches where my brother is here but my nephew is gone. I get told so many times how worthless I am I wish someone treated me better and made me feel loved or cared about but I don’t know when i’ll ever find someone like that. I have a boyfriend who’s caring but he lives a hour away which we both can’t drive so we barely see each other. I know I could get licences but I have no help in learning to drive I’ve tried asking everyone my brother, dad, sister and the neighbor. People tell me I should break up or should’ve already broke up with my boyfriend because in the past. My boyfriend has called me names said I was a witch or said I was messed up called me fat. He’s told me he didn’t love me that he was in love with another girl at a church he started going to because of my family and I. My boyfriend came up here for thanksgiving it was fun but my family is dysfunctional my sister, brother, cousin and uncle does drugs. My sister’s kids show out and is disrespectful they’re always here my sister never makes them go home she’s to worried about her drugs or buddies. My niece talks about sexually things or looked up porn when she’s young she shouldn’t know these things. My nephew is always here everyday even during holidays, weekends or summer he’s so disrespectful he calls me names or tells me how worthless I am he doesn’t respect me at all. My nephew respects my dad or brother but whenever it comes down to me there’s no respect he respects my mom a little bit. I don’t get any respect if I ask him to do anything he says he won’t do it unless my mom, dad or brother asks him he won’t treat them like shit or talk about them like their a piece of shit but he does me. It never changes my brother gives me no respect either but sometimes he’s nice to me but my brother use to be there for me. Now he has a fiance now with a baby girl which I love their baby she’s so adorable but my brother and his fiance never gives me respect barely. They argue about everything and talks down about me like crazy you know you could not go without a day in my family without them talking badly about me. My mom talks about me like i’m stupid or how lazy I am which i’m not lazy it’s just I can’t find a job right now and she expects me to just over night be like my brother. I can’t do that i’m not him and I don’t want to be I love my brother but half the time he acts like he’s better than everyone around him. My brother’s always going out to eat all the time with his fiance he never asks to hang out with my mom, dad or I. He always goes traveling he’s invited us but doesn’t act like he wants us to go I went with him and his fiance when it was snowing hard outside. All I heard was them arguing about me being slow but honestly I was hurrying as fast as I could they act like you’re supposed to be flash and fly out the door but I had to help my mom. Be the way if you haven’t noticed my brother is thirty years old and his fiance’s like thirty two years old but they both live here. I mean his fiance switches from being here for a week to being at her mom’s for a week. His fiance has a son from her past marriage I think but he stays at his dad’s or stepdad’s house I don’t know. My brother’s fiance says that’s her son’s step dad but I think it’s his real dad they are both idiots who need some growing up to do because even when her son calls my brother will say tell him. I’m better than his dad or my brother says she’s cheating 24/7 he looks through her phone even if a co-worker of hers that’s gay texts her to ask what time to come into work. My brother will swear she’s cheating she worked at a prison with a girl and the girl’s husband my brother swear she cheated than too which I doubt she ever cheated on him. Because she is far to emotionally to do so plus who would have sex with someone else being seven months pregnant at the time in a prison? I doubt it. They argue all the time and she’ll whine about him using her car or the fact that he has to work over time which he has no control over but he’s a manager so I don’t know. I went with them to a store they argued all the way there and argued about me argued all the way back again over the stupidest things. The worse part is living here because I have to deal with all of this including my insecurities not having a moment of my own I can’t wake up with a peaceful day it’s always filled with drama. My half brother he’s in and out of jail lately he just out of jail from being in there for four or five months he’s homeless or in between places he usually goes to my sisters house where they usually end up doing drugs. My sister threw him out or something whenever she’s mad or don’t want him there she runs him out here and tries to pack him on us. I wouldn’t mind him visiting but when he has no job won’t get a job and he’s like thirty five years old which whenever he gets money he cares more on spending it on drugs than making a life for himself. My sister who’s my half sister doesn’t help him she just encourages him to do drugs and to fuck his life up. My half brother has two little girls but he left them in another state to come up here he left them with his ex wife she got tired of my brother’s shit because she came home. He’ll be on drugs asleep while the girls were left alone in the living room watching cartoons now his ex wife moved on she’s with someone new. I heard though that her new boyfriend does drugs but I don’t know how true that is that’s just what my half sister or brother said. It’s just hard being here my mom is always watching my brother’s baby while his at work and his fiance is too. My sister lets her kids stay here all the time I mean my oldest niece never stays here whenever she does she whines about being here saying it’s boring. My parents or family never wants to do anything fun and whenever we do go anywhere my dad won’t go in to eat at ANY restaurants or hardly go into any stores unless it’s tool related or walmart. It sucks never being able to do anything even going to the movies would be a lot of fun but my family doesn’t even do that last time we went to the movies it sucked. Because we had to take my sister, her kids and their friends which was packed in my dad’s van and all they did was yell, call people names my niece tried to take my money out of my pocket and they all complained about it being late or it was to packed inside the vehicle. I’ve been playing a game recently but I met someone on it I like but I have a boyfriend and I feel bad because I’ve been flirting with him and sent him pictures of what I look like not anything inappropriate but I sill feel like i’m crossing a line. I don’t wanna lose my boyfriend because I love my boyfriend a lot we met two years ago on a app called meetme. He was the only decent guy I’ve ever met I mean the first time I met him he gave me flowers which he told me later on it was his mom’s idea and he sent me something for Christmas. But that was it most the times I’ve seen him after that he was mean to me or never sent me anything or gave me flowers I don’t care about gifts but at least a card would mean a lot to me even if it was homemade. I sent him stuff for Christmas, birthdays and Valentine’s day expect for this year because I didn’t have the money too but the first thing he asks me is what i’m going send him for Christmas. I feel bad not sending him anything but I do it all the time sending him stuff even letters or buying him stuff whenever i’m down there it gets old if you ask me. I think a relationship should be 50/50 not one sided and it sucks because I have no one else to talk to about this stuff because i’m twenty three years old but have no friends what so ever. I mean I’ve tried making friends but when you live in a small town and most the population of that town is to busy doing drugs or being drama queens and whores you’d rather stay a loner. My family is like the family from shameless no joke but I don’t sleep around I’ve never been with anyone sexually. I thought about going back to school to get my GED you can go back to high school online I don’t know if I will I thought I could do that in my free time to be able to have a life for myself. Should I? I made good grades in school but I dropped out because I was getting bullied by almost everyone including the teachers and I started making bad grades too. I need do a lot of things for myself but I don’t I just push them to the side because either I don’t feel like i’ll succeed in doing them or I will fail in doing them. If that makes any sense at all i’m done writing for the day it was nice letting this all out and maybe i’ll figure this crap out. 

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