I was starting to feel better but since yesterday have been feeling worse again. I had a vivid dream last night about someone from my past who meant so much to me, but moved on whilst I was sectioned for over two years in Heatherwood court and not long after we just stopped talking. I don’t know why I dreamt about this person but it’s left me feeling really unsettled. No one ever stays in my life, NO ONE. And I’m not saying it’s their fault I just wonder if I ever really meant that much to these people…I did try to stay in contact with them but eventually they’d just never reply. I used to be close to so many people in my life and no one is left and it makes me sad. It’s maybe not even that I miss anyone in particular…just hate that I have no one now. It makes me feel like I really am a bad person or people would have stayed, even when I did go for long periods of time into hospital. I think the doctors themselves knew me being in a hospital was not good for me at all but I left them with little choice, I was hurting myself so badly… know I did a lot of things that could easily have been fatal, that should have been fatal.
Harry also had a bad night. He doesn’t seem to be feeling quite right at the moment but I’m not sure why. He was sneezing a lot a couple of days ago so it seems he’s come down with something but is putting up quite a good fight. Last night he didn’t want anything for dinner, not even his vitamins which he loves because he gets chocolate magic stars as a reward. It’s very unusual when he doesn’t even want chocolate, very unusual indeed!! He was also just lying on the floor laying out his stickle bricks in a line…he doesn’t usually just lie on the floor like that either! He was very wriggly in the night and actually left my bed at around 5am and went to see my parents. He couldn’t settle with them either so they took him downstairs. Dad came up with tea and I got dressed and went down to be with Harry. He was full of enough energy! When I left him at nursery at 1pm though he was a bit clingy and wanted me to pick him up again even though we’d just got there. I said to the nursery staff that Harry wasn’t feeling great but I had taken his temperature a bunch of times and it was normal every time…I also said I’d given him calpol last night but it didn’t seem to help.
Things are ok really…I can’t complain I honestly can’t. I’m a very lucky girl that my parents still let me stay in this house with Harry. I do have good memories…and of course I have a very healthy and happy baby, he’s fine! Just keep feeling so lost and alone and worthless and just…sad. Last night I was thinking of a couple of fellow inpatients who ended up committing suicide and I started to cry…I don’t even know why I was thinking about them…I guess it’s cuz when you’re an inpatient for such a long time the other patients are like roommates, friends, almost family. And it was really sad to learn that their own families didn’t care much for them, we cared for them more than their own families and the staff that were meant to look after us. I really wish I’d stop dwelling on such negative things. I don’t know why I do this…I guess it’s normal to have bad patches but it scares the hell out of me as I have Harry now.
I have been so distracted as you know and I did something that could have turned out so bad…I’d dropped Harry off at nursery last Thursday and when I drove back home I forgot to put the hand break on. And I didn’t even realise until I’d taken my coat and shoes off and was back inside the house! I just happened to take a glance out the window and the car was slowly rolling backwards. Fuck! I raced out the house with the intention of opening the car door and putting the hand break back on but of course I’d locked the car. By the time I’d gotten to the car and was fumbling with the keys to press the unlock button the car had reached the top of the hill…yup I live on top of a hill. As soon as I pressed the unlock button the car started going down the hill and obviously much faster. I couldn’t get back into the car at the speed it began to roll down the hill. Out of pure desperation I tried to grab onto the car and stop it moving with my own strength but obviously I knew that wouldn’t work; 7st 6 pounds is no match for a 1.6 litre engine car that weighs a ton. I had to let it go and watch in complete and utter horror as it rolled across the road (which could easily have had someone driving up the hill at that moment) and missed crashing into somebody’s silver car parked at the bottom of their garden by literally an inch. Instead of crashing into this silver car, my car crashed through the bushes that were at the bottom of this poor person’s garden. The bushes caused my car to come to a stop. The person obviously wasn’t at home cuz I’m sure they would have come racing out at this point. Two neighbours that witnessed the whole thing came running towards me and one of them even got back into my car with extreme difficulty and drove it out of the bushes and parked it back outside my house. I was grateful for their concern; they even went with me into my house and asked my mum to make me tea because I was in a bit of shock. Clearly I need to get a grip because my distracted mind is becoming rather dangerous.