If you ask anyone what it feels like to be depressed or have anxiety they will tell you it’s the hardest thing to try to put into words. Anxiety feels like something terrible is going to happen even at your happiest moments. At any second of everyday. It makes me second guess everything. Why is that person looking at me like that? Are they going to hurt me? Do they not like me? Is that man going to rape me? Will he follow me home? A missed call makes your heart beat out your chest thinking the worst. You feel like your trapped in a revolving wheel of worry that you just can’t escape. Panic attacks come sudden sometimes without a trigger and you don’t know why. You sit there with your eyes glazed over battling your own thoughts saying you’re okay when your body is telling you to fight when apparently there is no threat. But you tell yourself there’s not a threat but your mind is screaming at you that there is. Your body shakes sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you get a full blown panic attack because you smell a smell that takes you back to one of your rapes. Or a face that looks so similar to your ex that beat you bloody. Sometimes your anxiety is completely silent your mind is just in a distance and you feel like your mind left into a different world. You constantly are worried about people judging you about your appearance, your words, the faces you make. Your heart beats so hard you can hear it but no one else can hear it but you. You think your going to have a heart attack? Am I okay? What was that sharp pain? That’s something serious. Why does my head hurt? I need to go to hospital. Who is that girl? Did my boyfriend have sex with her, is my boyfriend having sex with her? He probably doesn’t even know her shut up mind stop that your insane. But it could be true. He could be having sex with her. No stop it thats not true. But what if it isn’t? You don’t know her. Hes lied about not knowing girls before. He probably is in love with her. No mind stop it he loves me. Why would he love you? Your messed up in your head you let yourself go. You gained weight your ugly why would he not talk to that girl that walked by? Why just look at her. Im sure shes better then you. Look at her and look at you. Shutup mind he loves me. No he doesn’t. Stop it please. Your pathetic for thinking this man would only want you and no one else. Your probably just temporary. PLEASE STOP MIND PLEASE.
Depression. The best friend to anxiety. Yous tag team me and I have no chance of beating yous both. I’m so tired. Anxiety -“you only work 12 hours a week” But my body hurts, Depression- “Thats because of me I visit you in your dreams there’s no escaping me, I haven’t let you get a good nights rest since forever”. I have so much to do. But no energy at all. I stare blankly for hours and all of a sudden time went by and all the things I want to do so bad, depression makes them seem so unbearable to do. The simplest tasks. Showering? Too weak. Doing laundry? Too tired. Anxiety- “what the fuck is wrong with you you slept till 11 and went to bed early last night you should be able to do something so simple.” Depression “you have no strength to even stand or go to the bathroom you shouldn’t even attempt to do anything else it’s too hard.” I just want to be normal. Why do I feel so empty. But so emotional at the same time. There’s a piece missing from me and I don’t even know what it is. It’s like a constant bottomless pit inside you that just gets deeper and deeper. I’m so worthless. I’m so tired. My body aches and I just want to sleep maybe I can escape reality if I just go to sleep my depression says. But here comes anxiety I’m going to wake you up shaking with night sweats to make you feel like you didn’t ever sleep. You feel worse now even more tired. It’s so much worse then any words I can ever explain. It’s a constant physical feeling of weight on my chest and such a deep pit in my stomach. I just want to feel whole. People wish for a million dollars. People wish for fame. I just wish I didn’t feel so weak to just open my eyes in the morning & not have my heart skip a beat when the wind blows the wrong way. While dealing with all of this I need to keep it together. Keep it together City girl. Everyone relies on you. Don’t be weak. You need to pretend nothing is wrong. You need to smile. Everyone counts on you. No one else will be strong if you can’t. Make sure you automatically answer that your okay when your not. Don’t be a burden to anyone. Keep it all inside no one will ever understand even a little bit. Don’t even try to explain it because itll never ever come out right.