Finding A Way Forward

Is this actually a love triangle? No. It’s not. He tells me I have nothing to worry about, and yet I do. I trust him. I believe him. I have no reason not to. Yet I see the way she looks at him. I see how much she wants to be near him. I see the way she looks at me, as though I’m a threat. No, not a threat, just an obstacle. A placeholder. Something that will keep him amused and in good spirits until she decides to take him off the shelf again.

I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like the person it’s made me the past few weeks. I’ve become jealous, petty, accusatory, obsessive. It’s not ok.

 I’m just scared. Scared of not being tickled when I least expect it. Scared of not curling up to his warmth at night. Scared of not falling asleep on his chest. Scared of not waking up to his sarcasm and wit. Scared of losing the chance to wait for him to come home and share a meal with me.

It’s me though. I can’t lose him to her, I can only push him away. She can’t “steal” him. A person can’t be stolen from another. I can only beat this horse for so long before he can’t take it anymore.

He deserves better than my jealousy, and my pettiness. He deserves more than my insecurity and my fears. If I say I trust him, then I have to show that. I have to prove that. I have to give him the opportunity to exist without always fearing that he will make some sort of fatal misstep with me. That’s not fair.

I promised to help her if she wants to leave her abusive husband, and so I will if she needs. I will not allow her to use this offer or our friendship to subvert my relationship. I will abide by that promise though no matter what.

I don’t trust her. I can’t. This game she’s playing is visible to others now though. Whatever the issue, it’s not between me and him, it’s between me and her.

Now that I’ve gotten this all out of my head, I will let it go. I will trust him, I will not try to sabotage his friendship with her. I want him to be, and to not worry. I have to be better about this, and I will be better about this. I just hope I haven’t irreparably damaged my relationship.

If I love him, then I need to adjust my approach. 

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