Listening to a friend of mine today, and taking a break from everyone. I need some space, even from the Significant Other.
The SO and I had a bit of an argument about a woman he slept with. She works with us, and he cares for her, but she’s married. They were close friends, and they slept together, that happens. But her husband found out, and threatened to kill my SO. (This is before we were together.)
After I offered to help her leave her husband, she told me she was in love with my SO (she didn’t know we were together at that time.) She then started reaching out to him more, and making more obvious overtures, which got me upset.
We were all together this past weekend, and after an argument in the morning about him not setting boundaries with her, which he assured me he did, she had her hands on his chest and on his thigh, with me standing right there. She was sitting so close to him, any closer and she would have been in his lap. It hurt more than I thought it would, to watch that, and to see no sign of him trying to move away.
I promised him I wouldn’t bring it up again, and so I won’t, at least not to him.
I wrote her a letter, unsure if I will share it with her. If I do, I’ll read it to her. Can’t risk emailing it, texting it, or sending it through any form of electronic communication, or her husband might find out. If he does, he’d hurt her and my SO, and that’s not what I want to see happen.
Let me be clear. I understand the situation you are in. I understand it’s not easy to stay and yet it’s even harder to leave. I get that. You’re not the first person I’ve offered to help and you won’t be the last. my offer to help you and your children achieve an emotionally, mentally, and physically better life will stand, whether you choose to avail yourself of it or not. That will never change. I mean that, and I will abide by my promise no matter what.
I am concerned, however, regarding your relationship with [My Significant Other]. I am aware of the history there, not sure if I know everything, but I know enough. I know that you two were friends, that things got complicated, and your relationship ended in quite a mess. I know that your husband is aware of the situation and is certainly no fan of [My Significant Other]. I know that [Her Husband] does not even want you to speak to [My Significant Other], which is unreasonable as you and [My Significant Other] need to work together.
All I am asking, woman to woman, is that you not put [My Significant Other] in a position that could be dangerous for him, or create a situation that subverts his relationship with me. I understand that you have feelings for him, and I do also understand why. However, I am actually in a relationship with him, and he with me, and having former flames, whether his or mine, attempting to insert themselves into this relationship is unhelpful, unhealthy, and unwelcome. I doubt I can make myself any more clear on that point.
I don’t want you to lose your friendship with [My Significant Other]. I do know that friendship is important to you both. However, I don’t want that friendship to create an obstacle to the relationship that[My Significant Other]and I are currently pursuing with each other. Where this relationship is going, no one can say for sure. However, that relationship deserves a chance to run its course without interference from others, regardless of their intentions.
This is not to accuse you of anything. I trust [My Significant Other]. However, I would like your assurance that you will respect our relationship, and do nothing that might compromise his integrity or character and certainly not do anything that would put [My Significant Other] or you in your husband’s crosshairs. At the end of the day, I want to make sure that you and I are on the same page, and that you and I, as well as you and [My Significant Other], can remain friends with no negative feelings.
Writing that was cathartic, but without sharing it, I think my feelings will fester, and I’ll grow to resent her. I don’t want that. She was my friend. I’m hoping I can salvage my friendship with her and my relationship, but right now I really don’t know.
The SO in no way sees how I feel as valid. To him how I feel has no justification, and yet others who know the situation have asked me why she’s hanging all over him. I don’t know what to say. It hurts me and makes him look bad, but I’m not so sure he cares.