Beer with Jesus

So the title.. It’s a song by Thomas Rhett. Its what i’m currently listening to, and pretty much explains how i’m feeling.

Todays the day. 4 years ago, today, my father died. The last seconds of his life will always be in my head. The night before, so weird. I was leaving the hospital because I just didn’t want to be there anymore and I thought my dad was going to be okay since he had been moved to the Yellow area which meant things were going good especially since he was allowed out of the ICU department. As I was telling him I was leaving he was asking why and telling me to stay and that I could sleep on the pull out sofa or the reclinable chair. I honestly didn’t want to. I had broke out in hives from being so stressed and not being able to show it. Because you know, you have to be strong for everyone else, including yourself. Plus dealing with my dad in the hospital and constantly hearing how he’s really sick, but us (my family and I) not believing them. My dad was a strong man, and we were convinced he would make it through. Anyways, I said bye and i remember us holding hands and this warm feeling like light was shining through or something. So as I was walking to the elevator I prayed to God telling him to give me a sign to stay. I got down the elevator and realized my headphones were missing, and then my phone range. My mom told me I had dropped my headphones in the hall. That was my sign to stay, but I still ignored it and brushed it off and went home. As I drove home I prayed again, this time telling God to do what he thinks is best. I went home, and my boyfriend at the time (cheater) was texting me telling me how I have been distant and how he wanted to come over and spend the night. I don’t remember what I said but I didn’t want to focus or think about my dad. I went to bed and felt weird, and don’t even remember falling asleep. Just did. I woke up to my phone ringing around 6am or late 5am. It was my mom. Crying hysterically telling me my dad was going to die, and me telling her he’s not. The nurse came on the phone and told me he’s not doing okay and that I should come, and drive safe. I hurried up and got dressed, my brother asked me what was going on, and I told him everything is fine, I’m going to the hospital. I was driving and was so out of it. I was like God don’t do this, don’t let him die, do what you think is right. Shit i don’t even know what to say at that point. I’ve never been so numb in my life. I got to the hospital and I got up the elevator, went to the room and there he was. My mom next to him crying hysterically, the nurse telling me he’s going, and me telling him to wake up because what else am i suppose to say? I felt like i forced myself to cry because i was suppose to tbh. I was completely numb. My dad took his last breath in front of me then died. Thats it. Just a body was in front of me and I was numb. 

Rest in peace tata. Love you forever and ever. I miss you so so much. 

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