Day 19/20of 365 2018 – Elevating to The Next Level

Song of the Day: This City by Sam Fischer

I’m a failure! I know that’s one hell of a way to open this but I’m content with being a failure. I’ve failed at many things but I’ve also succeeded in so much as well. I’ve failed at school, I’ve failed at staying discipline, I’ve failed at love. The process of failing is to learn from the process. 

The song of the day is This City and the song found me at a time where I needed the most. When you move to a new place and things don’t go according to plan you tend to be sad a lot. I find myself wanting to throw in the towel, but another half of me won’t take this ass kicking lying down. I cam to this city for reason that doesn’t pertain to the overall goal but it deals with my moral goals.  I keep mentioning this song because I knew coming here it wouldn’t go like I had hoped. The chorus of this song says ” This city gonna break my heart”. The city encompasses so much from career, friendships, women, and life.  I’ve been here going on 3 months and in that time my heart has been crushed by careers moves, women, love, and friendships.  Though taking a beating hurts but the pain lets me know that I’m healing. I’ve never been a quitter and I won’t stop now. Coming to this big city may have been a little irrational but it was the right decision because the joy I get from helping someone I care deeply about is worth miles that it took me to get here. Life’s journey won’t be easy and I know my time in this big city will come to an end but I would do it 1000 times over. Do I wish things would have gone a little differently? yeah. With bad things comes things did well. In three months I’ve grown so much. 

Speaking of growing, when I got home from war in 2012 I’ve never done things by myself. I don’t go out to bars, clubs, restaurants, alone.  However, since being in this big city I’ve done pretty much everything alone. Being alone doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. I’m finally blinding in. I went to a bar by myself I would have never done that just three months ago. I even met a girl at the bar which was a confidence boost. I’m in my late 20’s and age isn’t defining when a lesson is learned and it isn’t defining where I should be. 

Another thing I’ve learned since being here is that taking risk can be dangerous but the lessons learned can be greater.  I met a girl two summers ago and through events in life we ended up in the same big city. I’ve never been a person that takes too many emotional risks. Rejection feels worse than taking a bullet. So at some point, I figured what’s the point so I stopped opening myself up because the odds were just not in my favor. Well, in this big city where life took me I had an opportunity to lay it on the line with the girl from two summers ago. It was difficult because I’ve been rejected by every girl I’ve encountered since turning 18 except one and we dated for 3 months before life after war decided our fate. Well, why her? I was sure that she could be the one. I’ve never seen someone and was easily smitten. I could tell you how she looked the night I really saw her. It was more than how she looked it was the way she carried herself with such class, the way she’s so ambitious in the things she does, the way she talked about the future. But it was this night where she took a gun and shot dead my vision of who she was. It wasn’t her wrongdoing, I just wasn’t paying attention. Though she is still a wonderful person, we just see life differently. I won’t get into many details because that’s her story to tell.  Could it have been a nice version of rejection, sure? Could it be how she really feels, yeah? The lesson I learned from this night is even though knowing that was a longshot of us being together there was always hope and after that night there wasn’t any. It hurt and it stills hurt but I’m a much better person and no matter what was said that night I wish her nothing but the best. This city has brought me so much and continues to help me navigate life. Maybe the woman I’m looking for is in this city maybe she’s not. I will search a 1000 cities searching for her in every woman I meet. 

This city’s gonna break my heart! I’m gonna try and weather the storm. Though in a few weeks I will leave and I’ll be back! I’m doing running. I run from heartbreak, I’m tired of running from rejection, I’m tired of running from failure. I’m done running. I’m tired. 

We all have our struggles but I’m determined. I want anyone that can relate, to remember that it’s no expiration date on when you can start. We grow and learn every day that’s the joy of living.  Only in death is it too late to correct a wrong. Life is the greatest fight you’ll ever fight. Die a champion. 

Until Next Time – Cherish The Tradition

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