Close call

Recovery program:  Still working it daily.  Tonight is our weekly group meeting.  A guy returned last week who I’d never met but who had been an active member of the group before I joined.  He said he had a “major relapse”.  Interestingly, his sponsor is the same guy whom I had asked to be my sponsor too, and we’d spoken many times and progressed on my steps etc.  Then he would not show up to one on one’s we’d arranged, not answer when I called and so forth.  I got a text from him last week stating that he was worry he was unavailable for me and my program.  It was a nice gesture which I appreciated.  Not sure why he was not available because he sponsors a guy with whom I speak on the phone almost every day.  He just didn’t choose me I guess.  Another interesting thing is he asked this returning guy to call me every day.  So I suppose that makes he the returning guy’s ad hoc sponsor?  At any rate, I’m happy to help anyone and being of service is one of the key components in my program.  Having said that, I text the guy every day but he has yet to call me.  We’d arranged for a 7pm phone conference call on Friday but he never called.  Oh well…. I’ll keep trying.

The close call part as stated in the subject line of today’s post was with my relationship with my wife.  And remember Bruce, that has been determined to be the source of the addiction, when we don’t talk openly about ourselves, our relationship and sex.  And when we argue is when I used to turn to sexting and other inappropriate online activities.  So that’s my trigger, so I have to be very cautious.  Anyway, I don’t know why she was in such a terrible mood but she lashed out at me, unprovoked.  She accused me of reverting back to my old controlling behavior but she was dead wrong.  It was she who wanted to tell me when to have the mechanic work on my car, where to put my Christmas cash gift, when to pick up our dinner.  Whirlwind, or more like tornado.  I removed myself and went upstairs to iron my dress shirts.  So yeah…. I picked up dinner and iron my own shirts all while she no longer works outside of the home.  It was a choice I supported, but I’m just saying…..

I finally protested and said I did not deserve this treatment.  She went out to meet a couple of friends for dessert somewhere.  When I heard her pull in the garage a couple of hours later, I ran up and got in bed; did not want to chance another conversation.  The next day was awful.  I went to work but was so ready to throw in the towel and go back to divorce.  Instead I reached out to my therapist and he talked me down off the ledge.  I devised a plan and came home and called a “family meeting”, which is what we do, just the two of us, when we need to air grievances.  She promised not to ever talk about all my flaws again, which was not really very nice or good on her part but I accepted it.  And we agreed to be aware of our moods and when we are out of sorts to say “I’m not in a very good place today so I’m not going to make good company… and then removed our self from the other.”.  

So it was  a bad day and night and next day.  I can’t take many more of those, or at least our relationship cannot.  So we created a control to put in place to prevent another episode.  I sincerely hope that it works.  

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