January 21st

I have already run out of ideas for clever titles but anywho this is a life update. New Years resolutions still intact. I’ve feel as tho I’ve been to every doctor in my hospital at this point lately as someone who tries not to go to the doctor outside the yearly mandated physical. What I’ve found is that the dentist literally worked on the wrong tooth waiting for insurance approval to go somewhere else. That whole adage fool me once pops into my head when I think about it. Outside of that I have a fractured foot on one side with a torn tendon on the other but I’m still approved to sweat it up on the elliptical and little else. Lastly, in line with that New Years resolutions went to my dietician who essentially told me to be me, I’m muscled and therefore cannot expect to be much lighter in fact stay at this weight and/or gain some for the fact that I’m in my child bearing years.

Which brings me to my next point of discussion. Baby fever, I’m still sane enough to realize I have it and not do anything outlandish. However, I almost feel the hands of time creeping by. With that said it’s not the right time in life just getting my career off the ground with possible promotion in March if my two meeting this week and next go well. The hubby’s still not working and has basically told me to piss off when I delve into questions so I don’t bother anymore. He’ll mention a job he’s applied to here and there but unless they start paying you for playing video game 12 hours out of the day/night I’m stuck with the bills. If you do know of places that do I welcome the comments and it can be my new thing learned from the day. My fun fact at this point is knowing how to change settings on a stapler to bend the arms out instead of in, riveting I know.

I’ve also leaving the subject of kids alone because I mentioned the fact that I was okay with trying for a family once and literally that week he lost his job and I started my stint in the nunnery. I feel like I’m being punished or rejected by him almost. Like he doesn’t trust me to be smart and not come up with a “surprise” pregnancy if he would come around. Every time he sees me with a baby which is at least twice a weeks with our new neighbors stopping in he just gets more distant and won’t even stay in the same room or sit on the same freaking couch that night. Same goes for if we are watching some silly movie, show or video on YouTube if I coo at babies or smile I feel his eyes on me judging. It’s not that he doesn’t want kids the first 3 years we were together I was the uneasy party on the kids topic, no issues with fertility that we know of just an overwhelming lack or interest with intimacy or babies for going on 3.5 months at this point. It has made me quite morose when little comments come up either from him or friends about how we’ll raise our hypothetical kids and things of that nature. I just get this smelled fresh crap look on my face because you have to have kids before you’re concerned about raising them not to mention sometimes just comments like that are enough to shut him down.

I will say this for better or worse than me ends at a year. It is a promise I’ve made myself. I haven’t told him because I’m not trying to back him into a corner or give him the excuse that I’m pressuring him about anything. However, if it goes for a year that he remains jobless and seems to shudder at the idea of being in my bed then I’m done. I know what I want in life and at that point it’s just a freeloading roommate situation. Sure he’ll do little things like rub my feet or do the dishes now and then but he’s a grown adult fully capable or working, being intimate with his wife and maybe not bypassing every holiday/anniversary because big business just wants your money would be nice too. I mean he gladly accepts gifts from me for special occasions so hell I’d even take a homemade macaroni card at this point.

Sorry, for the divergence but I’m hanging on by threads some days. I know what I want and either we have similar life goals on the big issues like children,  money, intimacy and work ethic or you’re wasting my time. I’m just sad it took me until after the vows to see the big picture. Until next time keep it classy.

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