It’s so easy to let my mental health get me down and low and unable to pick myself back up, it can be the smallest thing and yet to me it feels like everything is crashing around me! I mean I have a beautiful daughter and a girlfriend but today I thought it was a great idea to clean out my gmail account and doing that I found thousands of emails between me and a woman called Charlie and I read halfway through them and I felt like crying, not because I still feel something but because it’s been years, last email sent between us was 2014 so it’s been quite a while and it was just a shock to the system as I didn’t expect to see them, my partner thought I called Charlie my soulmate but she got it all wrong but regardless I thought I’d do a quick search online and I found her on Facebook, sent her a message just saying ‘ hey babe it’s been a while, how are things’ just for her to reply back a hour later telling me that shes blocking me and to never try and find or talk to her because i broke her heart and it tore her down that much that she tried taking her own life.. wow.. I’m such a fucking horrible person 🙁 I caused someone to want to end there life.. I hadn’t a clue I had that kind of effect on someone!
So it was my birthday yesterday and I’m still feeling the low today, I couldn’t be with my girlfriend because she was working and I couldn’t be with my best mate because of funds so I spent it alone chilled with my daughter but it would have been nice to have been able to talk to someone that wasn’t 7 years old!a guy I was close too Adam.. me him and his family fell out, I grew up around him and I’m trying to be there for him at the minute just for him to make a phone call a few weeks ago telling me that he doesn’t want me in his life, no reason at all, just completely out the blue.. my friendship circle is getting a lot smaller and to be honest all I need at the minute is to feel needed and I’m not feeling it at all.. I feel alone! Being an ex self harmer I still keep my blade and I always will and I was laid in bed with it last night and I so badly wanted to use it as I broke down and cried, I’m struggling to handle everything right now, I lost my best friend to suicide on my 18th birthday and it really got to me with nobody I could even talk to about it .. it hurt, I’m hurting! My medication doesn’t work and it’s been rescheduled for the end of the month and now it just needs to hurry up