Another long month. Not sure if I can take it anymore. The silence, being trapped in my own mind without escape. Not sure what thought to focus on. I mean one out of all of them? Out of all the piercing plays in my head?
Well, maybe there is one. One like the long stem that no one grabs because they’re scared of all the thorns. Focused on the pain that comes along with it instead of the rose itself.
The brutal, cold hearted truth…
That I miss it. I miss it all. But most of all I miss being in love. I miss being important in someone else’s thoughts,life. I crave feeling wanted. Consistency .
I have too much baggage for anyone else to love and to carry away from me. So, before I can love someone else. I need to love me first. The tragedy of it all is I am in love. Or what feels like more than love all together. And he’s gone. He left me all alone. But what’s just as deadly is still being in love with him, all while he’s loving someone new.
I read somewhere,
” Saying you don’t love someone anymore is easy to say when you don’t see them everyday. But seeing them everyday and still being able to say you don’t love them anymore are two entire different worlds. Throw them in the same world and look how they stare, and then and only then you’ll know.”
So, patiently waiting to be thrown into that room.
Although I can’t help but think, was I that easy to replace? After everything? All the pain and hardships?
“ irreplaceable, of course. “
Only I was wrong. I was so wrong. Conflicted between knowing and thinking. Thinking he still loves me and doesn’t, or knowing he still loves me and refuses to do anything about it, or worst of all mixing the two.
The burden of being in love but not being loved weighs heavily on my shoulders. Pain I endure daily not knowing why I wasn’t enough.
All the little things bruise my heart,easily. Like walking past things and I’m suddenly in a different place. I’m happy and time is frozen. Or smelling something familiar and I’m home again.
Dwelling on what was and wishing for what could’ve been.
But I know I’m my heart he’s mine. My first love. First everything. All in hopes he comes back, no matter how far he wandered.
“ I love you, always and forever.”
We once said to eachother countless tries of goodbyes. Up until one day forever came. At least for him.