we all need to hear those words ‘it’s going to be ok’ ‘I’m here for you’ that’s what I am to other people, I’m the rock, I’m the friend that helps but where are people when I need the help.. I don’t talk to people becuase they judge too freely and happily, never wanting to take the time to understand why I say the things I do, a ‘can you try tell me in your words why self harm is hard’ but be nice, instead it’s the ‘use self control, you’ll be fine.. just becuase I’m not cutting, it doesn’t stop any hurting, nothings working, I hate myself because of the way my brain works ‘chemical imbalance they say, they say it like it’s nothing but I’m unable to feel the same as others, I can’t process things the same.. put a clock in front of me and I’m gonna be unable to tell you the time.. to me self harming was something I done becuase it took away my pain and it’s something I could actually control and I could actually feel something finally.. now I have so much built up anger and pain and tears and no way to let it out and it’s so frustrating.. there’s nobody around me that I can just grab hold of and cry and just feel protected for a second.. right now I just feel like a lions prey waiting to be swallowed whole.. I try to not be so negative but there’s only so much negative crap you can deal with before It starts affecting you! Everyone I’ve ever cared about has either left or died, I’m walking on eggshells daily just waiting for the day everyone else goes because everyone leaves, nobody stays!
my partner mentions to me that she gets so surprised when I’m so loving becuase she knows about how I’ve always struggled to feel.. but every day I wish I could change myself and wish that I wasn’t me becuase it’s hard, I’ve gone from struggling to feel to then falling in love and to me that opened up so many emotions and to me there really hard to control and separate, you fall and nobody tells you that you get the jealous side, the protective side, so many different emotions but with me it struggle to tone it down and I’ll cry most nights becuase I can’t tone it down, I’m trying so hard to not be myself becuase if I’m myself I feel she’s not going to stay, to me the way she makes me feel, it’s bursting through me and I can’t control it, I write poems regarding her and i want to share it, I see teddy bears with hearts on and I want to get it, I get excited at things like birthdays so I can show her how much I love her.. one day she may be cool with romance and I can be myself