Useless writes

I’m an awful, awful writer. I’m a good speller… But someone must’ve dropped me as a baby cause I can’t form a proper thought for the life of me(a non destructive thought I mean). Thinking is my best worst talent. I’m usually trying to get my self to write in my journal when I’m having a bad day or feeling inspired (like an actual book not the internet) but I always quit after an hour of writing away and looking back to find that NOTHING even MAKES SenCE STOPWRITING YOU CRAZY LADY lol but really I’m just being a sob story trying to fit myhorrible life onto a ten inch paper no wonder there’s frustration. The problem starts here: 

Okay well I was gonna try to put the problem there and write about it but um idk what’s my problem or what’s wrong with me so that’s a problem

Okay well me.. No job, married, no kids(i lied I have two dogs), I’m 19, 5’4, 110lbs, and everyday I get out of bed for me is just another day to be sicker and sicker and sicker. I’ve had an eating disorder for a few years now. Probably 3.. Maybe 4. I do when it really started or how long it took. I know that one summer I had gone on vacation with my dad and brother and all of my cousins and we took a week at the beach… And of course my dad took dozens and dozens of pictures of my brother and I chillin in the waves and oh my god. Wait. Love handles… Armpit boobs much.. From fat face to fat fingers to fat blood cell all I saw was this thick awkward me who had just flaunted a bikini for the first time in public and I remembered feeling excited.. Even confident and getting jealous looks!!…  Oh my god. Not jealous looks… But probably “wow that doesn’t look good”… “Oh that’s embarrassing poor girl”.. “Did she even look at a mirror before”..”I feel bad for her”

I didn’t think about them as much then as I do now. Something in those pictures broke me. Before I realized id already done the 3 day military diet for 2 weeks, did about 100 jumping jacks whenever I felt 50 calories too fat, chewed and chewed and chewed… And spit all my food. I did mad things. Small, horrible awful stupid things. It was all I started to think about… I stopped eating at school then at home then at my friends house then all together… The only control or happiness I had was my daily bike ride. Id ride for over an hour every freaking day. Get dressed in comfortable clothes.. Headphones.. Water bottle. It started because I needed excersise and I loved exploring my new surroundings. It made me feel so connected to my surroundings and gave me something to throw my frustrations of life into. I loved it. I miss it. But it was also obviously my main way to excersize. I had my eliptical that I could run on and I worked out at home to YouTube workout videos right before my bike rides. But my bike rides were the one that I never allowed myself to miss. 

I wasn’t planning on writing all these details 🙁 I knew better than to get myself into something I KNOW damn well I won’t finish 😂😂😂😂

Anyways LONG story short I went to a party that I got too drunk at, my friend told me to make myself sick, I did.. That was me discovering for the first time that I just got rid of some alcohol calories.. Imagine all the calories I ate the last week and now imagine what that number would be if I threw it all up.. 

I did. And I kept counting and exercising for another year, and I also left school, met my husband and got married, lost my best friend.. And my friends, stopped seeing my family… Stopped bike rides… Stopped seeing 

Now. Here I am

*abruptly stops writing here*

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