Whims

“Gone for Good (Alternate Version)” by The Shins

You wanted to jump and dance
But you sat on your hands
And lost your only chance
Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
And stop floating around

 

January 24, 2018 Wednesday 11:19 PM

 

Ugh. This is a new diary. I had one on a different site, but it was discovered and I am not sure I will be able to go back to it. And now I am vaguely annoyed because, fuck, do I have to change everyone’s name now? Do I have to avoid mentioning places I’ve been, the school that I go to? If I go so far as to change everyone’s fake names (I had fake names on my last diary too), will that be enough? Or will keen eyes be able to recognize my writing style, or my friends, or my living situation? Or the most obvious thing—the way I format my entries??? 

I mean, the easy solution is to just keep a private diary for eternity. But I find the whole public thing way more therapeutic. There is something nice in thinking someone out there is listening. 

I thought my last diary was pretty well hidden, mostly because you could only really find it if you looked for it, and no one was gonna look for it—is what I figured. But my older sister read it when I left it open on my laptop, and somehow my dad managed to find it with weird google search wizardry, and then they found out that I had been “touched inappropriately” as a kid and it was a whole big uncomfortable thing—and I don’t know if I’m more traumatized by the fact that the Touching Incident is now public knowledge or if I’m hurt that I can no longer trust the diary I poured my heart into for the past six years of my life.

But either way. Here I am. Mulling it all over. Getting nowhere.

My old therapist once described me as a “very private person,” and I am still trying to figure out why—if I’m so private—I am so willing to share deeply personal information with strangers on the internet (although I do realize this is a common phenomenon). And I also wonder why is it so hurtful when those reading turn out to be familiar to me.

Ugh. Okay. Well, I only got three hours of sleep last night and I have a 9 AM English class in, what, 9.5 hours? Sooooo…. this marks the end of this entry. We shall see if I decide to continue on this site. Not that you care, haha. Who am I? Just some random east coast kid. Nobody gives a flyin’ flick about her whims. Which is probably for the best. Most of my whims are nonsensical things, stuff about nightmares and body horror and the absurd comedy of all that. 

But okay. Yeah. End transmission???

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