Coma White

Harry caught a really nasty cold and I’ve been ill with it for a fair few days. Harry still went to have overnight with his father last weekend and I really enjoyed the break as I wasn’t feeling well but putting Harry to bed the night he came back…there are no words for the fear Harry seemed to be experiencing and all he could scream was “I don’t like it!!” He was hitting and kicking myself and my parents for all he was worth. It was horrific to see. My dad didn’t take his meds and suggested we take Harry downstairs to carry on playing. Myself and my mother dozed in our own beds but at half midnight I woke myself up and was thinking “no, I’m the mother and Harry needs to go to bed, my dad is unwell himself so I need to put an end to this!” The living room was a mess and I picked up Harry whilst he screamed and kicked me and pulled my hair out…my mum woke up too and was even trying to settle Harry with her but he ran away screaming…until he eventually passed out at the very top of our stairs out of complete exhaustion at about 1:30am. My father and I daren’t try and move him straight away. Dad sat on the stairs reading a book to make sure Harry didn’t roll down the stairs whilst I cleared up the bombsite that was our living room and sorted out the clothes I’d washed earlier from the washing machine. After 3am I picked up Harry and took him to my bed with me. He did start to thrash and say again “I don’t like it..” but he was too exhausted to carry on. I had to take extra medication to fall asleep and listen to music on my iPhone.

The next day I was exhausted and Harry and myself were too ill for me to take him to the usual mum and baby group I take him to on a Monday. I ended up crying and I phoned the CAFCASS woman about the awful incident but she didn’t seem to think it was of any concern and neither did Will, which made me even more upset. Seems the law doesn’t put the child first at all, or me. They make us suffer as long as the dad who spends all his time losing his jobs and feeling sorry for himself has overnights with our son- at his bloody parents house, not even his own house. Also last night I noticed Harry had an invitation to a birthday party on the weekend he is supposed to be with Will and I was asking if Harry could just spend the Saturday with his dad and Harry can go to the party on the Sunday. Will started down his ‘you don’t understand how hard all this is for me’ line that he has span me a million times and I told him straight to shut up with his feeling sorry for himself crap because he certainly doesn’t try to understand how hard it is for me but I don’t expect to him to neither do I keep going on about what a hard time I’m having all the time like he does. So in the end I suggested he have Harry Friday night and Harry can come back on the Saturday which he agreed to. I ended the conversation there, gosh I didn’t want to hear any more! Who would ever bloody know why the hell that man decided to worm his way back into my life when I had him blocked out of it, like I said I could sue Facebook for allowing him to make another profile just to get round the problem that I had blocked him and I rung three mobile to block his number permanently from my phone and they did it so Facebook was Will’s only chance. Why the fuck did he bother to go to all that trouble then complain about me all the time now that this has happened. Fuck you, you didn’t have to come back then if I was that bad you idiot. And no I’ll never forgive you for wanting an abortion and you kept mentioning that when I was seven months pregnant so no you were not what I call supportive and I won’t forget it that easy, I don’t trust you so there.

Urgh, I’m full of a cold and it sucks.**********

Just had a blazing row with my mum about her phone contract. After the benefit call up I had to go to I decided to hand over my mum’s phone contract which is more expensive than mine to one of my dad’s cards which he gave me. He said I shouldn’t have to pay for my mum’s iPhone or be expected to, so he gave me his card and I switched the direct debit of my mum’s phone. My mum is having major storage issues with her phone and also she noticed the text messages from Three saying thanks for changing and setting up a new direct debit. I told her that I’d changed the payment of her contract like we had discussed a while ago and she agreed and said she would pay for her own iPhone. Now she’s upset at me and dad because we didn’t tell her and she thinks the payment is why her iPhone is now having storage issues. After yelling at me saying she wanted to cancel the phone she went downstairs to complain about me to dad and he reminded her she wasn’t paying the contract and it wasn’t her phone. When she screamed it was her phone dad simply asked “ok so who is paying for it?” I was so upset and fed up I thought fine if she wants to cancel the contract I’ll do it so I rang Three mobile but they said there were still 17 months left of her contract and I’d have to pay an awful lot to end it. Just then my mum barges in and shouts “I hope you’re not cancelling my phone!!” Why would I do that when you tell me three times you want it cancelled. So I let her to talk Three mobile and explain her issues herself. Now she’s off the phone and looking like she wants to kill us. At least she’s not saying anything else now though.

I certainly didn’t come here to talk about my mum’s phone contract. I’m sick of arguing with everyone. I know I’m shit and it’s my fault but I have a kid to keep living for as much as everyone else hates it. I need to keep going, I know that. Just sorry if I turn to things I shouldn’t do to help me cope and to dull the pain.

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