My children are a phenomenal blessing.

I have been feeling sickly today. I went to the gym and I felt worse afterwards. I hope that I am not coming down with something. I have been very fortunate this year. I do not recall being sick at all this year. I am missing my family as usual. I think about them constantly. I came across a picture that I had taken of a note that my daughter had written. That little note means so much.  I remember when my wife left in 2016 I was sitting in the shed and my daughter wrote “mommy loves dad”. My wife seen her write it and was none to excited. Shortly after that my wife told me that she was just going through a tough time and said/did things that she was not proud of.  So, I can’t help but wonder if I will ever hear those words from her again. It’s no secret that I am remorseful of all of the things that I have done to that special lady. She deserved better treatment. I could give her better treatment. I was in a bad spot and took things out on her. I hung all of my emotions/hopes/contentment’s on her. I am not the only spouse to ever do this. I have heard of many who have done this. Actually the ladies testimony Tuesday night included similar things. My wife has a lot of strenghts. (I know, I still call her my bride, wife etc. She doesn’t want to be married to me however we are not divorced yet. I will never be comfortable referring to her as “ex”) Anyhow, she has so many strengths. That is why I refer to her as wonder woman. Oh, and I miss her brute strength when I have to lift an engine by myself, LOL.  She has so many diamonds inside of her. Do you really think that I would still be in love with her if she was just average?? Also, she is the mother of my children. I have heard many people give stories & testimonies and the one thing that remains constant is that people declare that there is no better relationship than with the spouse that you have children with.  Well duh, that is how God intended. However, I know that he did not intend for husbands to do stupid like I have done. I’m told that I shouldn’t carry the shame of my mistakes and only use them as learning tools. It is hard for me to hold my head up high knowing that I lost my family. There is no replacement on this earth for them. I am blessed for every night that I got to spend with them before they moved. I apologize to them and God for the times I was not home for them. They were my true contentment even during my chaos and depression. I’ll be thinking about them as I fall asleep tonight.   

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