alone

i feel so alone going through this. i know there are people who care about me & i know he cares but i just wish he’d show it more. he means the world to me and every time i get like this he leaves me because he can’t handle it. but every time he got like this i had to handle it, i couldn’t leave, even when it got to be too much. i feel so helpless in this world, i feel like there’s no real place for me. i feel as if everywhere i go i don’t fit in. i’m always the odd one out in the group or the weird kid that sits in the back of the class that listens to weird music. at the age of 12 i didn’t think i’d live to see the day i turn 15 but somehow i did it. sometimes it feels like there’s no possible way that i’ll survive another day but then i look at a picture of us and i see his smile and i think to myself “i want to see that smile for the rest of my life” and yes, i know i’m young and you’re probably thinking the same thing my dad told me, i don’t know what i want and what i want will change, but over the last almost 2 years nothing has changed. what i want is still him and i don’t plan on changing that. he makes things feel so much easier and his hugs makes me forget everything that’s going on until he lets go. and when he lets go it feels like the world crashed around my feet. the effect he has on me is foolish. he makes me look like a fool; drooling all over his presence. but i can’t help it. i get so upset when he leaves because it’s like i can’t get enough of him. i could be with him all day (he’d probably get sick of me) and i’d still want to spend even more time with him. this has turned into a fanfic about him and i bet you’re tired of hearing about how obsessed i am with this boy but my 20 minutes are almost up. music helps me a lot to. whether it’s sad music, happy music, metal music, whatever kind of music (except country) makes me feel better. it’s the lyrics that gets to me. they almost speak to me, they inspire me.

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