Thursday January 25th

Good news today: my loan hit my bank account. I really got myself in a financial mess last year with my move- not because it was more expensive, but because I only got paid $500 a paycheck for 5 pay periods. If I had had my regular money, I would not have accumulated all this debt. I owe a shit ton. I got a loan for $12,000. I made some payments from it today to knock off a big chunk of what I owe, but leave me a little bit in the bank so I won’t be completely broke. Once I get my tax refund, I will be able to pay off the rest and have some to put into the bank. I have got to save up around 20K to buy a house. I am so terrible with money. I completely know this about myself, but I don’t fix it. I know that is a symptom of generational poverty- when you get money, you spend it. That’s me. I can’t save – I know I’m too old for that shit, but it is what it is. I will have to save this time if I ever want to buy myself a house again. I will have to live in my townhouse for a minimum of 18 months. I should be able to keep back 6K in savings from the tax refund, which will be a nice start to the 20k I need. I have to save $500 a month. Have to. If I don’t I will never reach 20K. If I save $500 a month, and get a tax refund next February, that should put me at what I need or close to it. My plan is to not rush into buying anything. I am going to take my time and not buy just to buy. I want to buy something that will make me happy for a long time. Since it is my plan now to work for 40 years, I’m not too worried about having it paid off any time soon like I was with my last house. I literally have nothing in my life but my job, so why on Earth would I ever leave it? I have decided to stay at my current school until I get something downtown. I would definitely take a home bound teaching position. Those bitches have it so easy- that’s why they never retire. I just need to stay put and lay low, bide my time and all that shit until I get something there. If I watch the web site diligently and apply for every thing that comes open, surely to shit I will get something sooner or later. 

I emailed someone in HR downtown about that job. Of course they said it hasn’t been filled, but I don’t think they would tell me or they may not even know if Faith is going to hire someone in her office. It is a 12 month job which would mean a HUGE raise for me. It is more money than I will ever make teaching. That is the key- I have to get a 12 month job. That job would literally change my life. It would be like winning the lottery. If I can get the interview, I think I will have a shot. I will study and prepare for it. I will go in ready. 

I swear, I know it’s only borrowed money and just more I have to pay back, but damn, just having a little in the bank takes a fucking weight off. I wonder if I would still have so much trouble with anxiety and depression if I wasn’t poor? 

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