Clarity, I need clarity. Clarity in my thoughts, clarity in my actions. Everyday I have a constant struggle in my mind, a constant battle between my rational mind and my creative soul. I’ve been doing the same job for 13 years and I feel stuck. The money is good, the schedule is good, I have the nicest boss ever, I don’t have any issues with any co-workers, I have my own office, I can work at my own pace and people respect me here yet I feel empty. I feel like a robot sitting in front of this computer every day, I get so bored doing the same thing every single day, that I will find the most absurd things to distract myself and putting off doing my work. When I do that it makes me feel bad that I’m not doing my job to my fullest yet I have this resistance toward doing my tasks at work because I find them so boring.
When I tell anyone that I want to change my job they look at me like I’m crazy or that I don’t value what I have, I actually value my current circumstance as I know that there are many people that would like to be in my position; I mean, this is not by any means a job that pays me millions or the fanciest job, but it does provide what I need and I have a certain comfort being here, but I have come to the realization that by working 8 hours a day to pay for stuff that I buy is not the way I want to live. I feel that I’ve been caught in the vicious cycle that most of society finds itself in: Work to buy stuff. Yes, we all have bills to pay and need a place to live but do I really need or of the other stuff? We feel so obligated to work a full time job in this society that we trade in our lives for money and the more money we get the more we spend. Of course in this country you also need a full time job to receive medical benefits in most jobs so you’re trapped either way, at least that’s how I feel. Then again there are people that love what they do and don’t mind working full time that’s not my case however.
I realize that at this point of my life I can’t just quit my job and work part time doing whatever job I find enjoyable so I am considering working at a job where I don’t have as much responsibility and I have more interactions with others. This may seem trivial to others but working in an office with no windows where I have little interaction with others and just having my eyes glued to a computer screen leaves me feeling lifeless at the end of the day. I struggle to keep my eyes open during the day have trouble concentrating, I’m sure a lot of it has to do with not seeing daylight and not interacting with others and of course having my eyes fixed on a computer screen and being stuck to a chair doesn’t help.
This is where my struggle comes in, I can find another job where I can see the outside, where I have more interaction with others, where I have different tasks throughout the day to keep me on my toes but the jobs that fit that criteria that I have seen available pay significantly less than what I make now, not to mention I have earned 4 weeks of vacation at my current job which is incredibly difficult to find a job that will even give you 2 weeks vacation. My rational mind tells me: “Stay where you are, you are safe here, you have good benefits here, you would be a fool to leave.” My emotional mind tells me: “You can’t do this anymore, money is not everything, you need to let go and do something different where you feel that you are learning and you feel alive.”
I go through this so many times in a day, I feel that I need a break from this constant thinking and just be in the present moment, accept what is at this moment, just flow with work, flow with life. Once I can accept this moment and enjoy what is right now, I will be able to un-block my thinking and I will be able to take small steps to the right direction; in order to do this I need to free my mind form these constant thoughts. I need both of my inner voices to be quiet and just let be simply be and exist and let clarity come to me. This is why I have started this journal, so I can empty my mind. I will take time everyday to listen to both sides of my brain, the rational and emotional, and then I will take note of what it is that they are telling me, I will write down their thoughts so they can feel that they have both been heard and then I will move on with my day.
My hope is that by keeping this journal I can satisfy my need for analyzing my situation and my need for venting and gain clarity so I can move on and take steps in the right direction.