The tides of emotions.

Some days are great, Others.. not so much. This is me tonight. I am SO physically, and emotionally exhausted. Being an autism mom is a seriously hard, and amazing, life chan ging journey. My baby, my silly, cuddly, sweet girl.. can change in an instant. To see the way her face, breathing and body react to her emotions is so overwhelming to me, so I can’t even imagine what she is feeling. Most times she will have her scream/attack me meltdown (and not your 5 min cry) but an hour long all-out-meltdown. Then, gradually she gives in to herself, stops and will cling to me with this wave of sadness and she will tell me she feels different and she can’t stop it. She apologizes and apologizes and cries. Now, I’ve been attacked for the last hour by her, and It’s THEN that is probably the hardest for me. Holding her sad little self close to me. I love her. This tiny little person with every fiber of my being. And I want to take that sadness and confusion and frustration from her. Then, 2 seconds later, *poof* she starts speaking dialogue from a movie, or cartoon she watched. She starts to calm her breathing down, and will tell me about facts she knows about cats that she watched in a documentary or start talking about dinosaurs (her absolute favorite thing) It’s something that she does when she wants to calm herself.. her choice of Stimming. All i can do is tuck my emotions away for myself later and jump right into her world. OK! Let’s talk cats, narwhalls or dinosaurs baby girl! As suddenly as it started, our day continues on. The reality of it is..sometimes all we can do is just take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and tonight it was minute by minute and after all of it, a little self reflecting of the day..untucking those emotions and working thru them for myself. I always tend to feel like a failure at everything I do. So I sometimes will blame myself for not seeing signs of how she is feeling or just losing my patience. Tonight, I’m just telling myself that tomorrow will hopefully be a better day for us. Hopefully there’s a bit of sleep in between then. 😂🤣 Here is to a new (better) morning and another bowl of cereal to pour.

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