Confessions.

What if I hadn’t gone through with it? That’s the thought that creeps up on me every night.  I had a choice. You know, they say you’d never regret having a child but you’d regret losing one.  

I was 24 then. It was August and he’d just moved back home permanently. I was never going to see him again and I had made peace with that. A month later, I’d been puking in the shower. A lot of people had been sick at the office so I didn’t think anything of it. 

I went to the Clinic downstairs and the doctor tells me I should take a pregnancy test. Okay, I said. It was the faintest of lines. if you blink you might miss it. The doctor said that I was definitely with child.

I didn’t take it seriously, only because I honestly couldnt see the second line. She asked if I wanted to keep the baby. Where I live abortion is not legal. Most Asian countries have the mindset of the 1920s. The doctor was kind and suggested I go visit a fertility clinic. 

I couldn’t wait for the next day so I visit my bestfriend and we head straight to a Clinic near her house, the ones with the ultrasound machines. 

AI was met with another female doctor. She did a scan. I closed my eyes the entire time. She’s one of those doctors with a strong religious background. “don’t you wanna see your baby?” she said. I opened my eyes, Aparently I was 12 weeks. She got out some prenatal vitamins. I said I won’t be needing those”she gave me a speech about how the baby will suffer if I don’t take them. I said thank you and headed out. 

My bestfriend took me out to dinner because I hadn’t’ eaten the entire day. I pushed around my food and smoke about 12 sticks. I knew  I couldn’t keep the baby. I guess I just didn’t want to end up like my mom. She wasn’t a single mother at the start but ended out that way and she still struggled. I wanted to make a name for myself. 

I told the father via Skype. Worse decision ever. The first thing he said was ” when are you getting rid of it” (this was the guy I’d been with for 4 years)

I wish I’d just kept it to myself. 

A few days later, I went to the place where they did backdoor abortions. God, it was so dodgy. The doctor seemed friendly this time. He did an ultrasound and said I’d have to do an A&E procedure. “I cant just take a pill?” “I’m sorry, no.” My baby was too big and I’d have to go for surgery. A simple procedure they kept assuring me.

I took a sick day on 14th November. None of my friends could be there as they were all busy with work. My best friend said she’d come after. I couldn’t drive home because of the anaesthesia so she’d pick me up.

I think the worst part was the prep for surgery. It was a small clinic, on the wrong side of town. There was another couple there. I was alone. They first got me to swallow a bunch of pills and sign a waiver. The record of my procedure would be erased 2 months after. I signed it and paid. For all I knew, that could just put me to sleep and harvest my organs. I was terrified.

I spoke with the father through Skype while waiting 6 hours. He was at work and he shrugged all my worries off. When it came to my turn, My heartbeat was uncontrollable.

I think it took 2 hours. I’m unsure. I didn’t feel a thing and woke up to my best friend holding my hand. I took my pills and left. I was due to come back for a checkup a week after. I remember the first thing I thought was “what did they do to the body?”

I couldn’t sleep that night. 

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