Manic Mondays

What an absolutely fabulous weekend with my children. I can’t wait ti hear about Isaiah’s trip to a Christian concert on Saturday. I feel a smidgen guilty because I was sick and felt so bad but I tried my best to be a fun dad for them. I broke down and went to the Dr today just to see what was going on. And, of course, I have the flu. I hope that neither of my children get it. I jokes around with someone and said that I was just ruling out blood cancer. It’s really not a joking matter however if you have been(or felt like) destroyed then death is not scary. Just because I take the blame for my situation doesn’t make it any easier. I often catch myself daydreaming of this world without me in it. I try to ask the serious questions like how could I ever be an asset to my children if I’m not even good enough for their mother to speak to?? How could I ever be a strong shining light to someone if my beautiful bride cannot stand the thought of my existence. These are tough questions w/ tough answers. For instance……  if I am actually a bad person then I could never be of any value to any person. The things that I have done haunt me. I cannot forgive myself no matter how hard I try. The only way that I would be able to forgive myself is if I could restore what means the most to me……  my family. It’s no secret that if I keep maintaining this life on earth that I will always be a vagabond of sort. A romantic relationship is very important to me but I could never commit myself fully to another woman. I think that this is where she will really have the upper hand over me. The difference is that she is TRYING to move on.  Whereas I’m never going to set aside my 15 years spent with her majesty. Someone asked me what first made me fall in love with her. I told them that she was very sweet and innocent. She had only been with one other guy which was few and far between w/young ladies. I fell so hard for her. I don’t imagine that those feeling could ever be replicated towards another woman. As a matter of fact, I do not even see the possibility. If I ever remarried or got into a serious relationship I would actually be “settling”. There is no other way to describe it. If I were to cling onto something that wasn’t what I really wanted then I would consider it to be “settling”.  One of my pet peeves is when someone enters into a new relationship and they say that they are sooooo happy. Well of course you would say that!! I’m sure that you said the same thing about your previous relationship and the one before that. I have enough sense to know that relationships will not always be roses. You will encounter obstacles just like you always have. But for some people, starting over is easier than dealing with situations head on. They just throw it in the trash instead of working on it. I mean, I understand it. That is a natural response for some. Most divorced people that I talk to say that they wish that they would have given more effort into their previous marriage. But for instance….. I was telling someone yesterday that I hit my wife and that I believe that she could never move past it. So, with that being said, it is easier for her to abandon ship and start all over. Me, on the other hand, am astounded by miracles of people who have walked through trials and decided to let the power of love prevail over what is meant to tear their marriage apart. I was stuck in a rut and was not TRYING real hard at moving past some things. I really did want to forgive and be restored but I wasn’t putting the work into it because I felt like I wasn’t seeing any reciprocation. It all boils down to the fact that we were 2 different people and weren’t willing to die to “self” and make the other person feel wanted/needed.  I could write a book about all that I have learned. I could put into action so many positive things in my beautiful brides life that would make her feel like the most valuable lady in existence. She won’t let me nor has she for a long time. In all reality, if both of our qualities could somehow be mingled together into one person it would definitely be an amazing person. But, you see, that is what marriage is about. Each person has something to offer and when that is unselfishly melded into one, that is where bliss begins. We pick up the slack in each other. My downfalls could very well be her strengths. We build each other up. If she is feeling incomplete about her physical appearance then it is my duty to make her feel like the prettiest woman alive.  If I am feeling insignificant…… her duty is to put her arms around me and tell me that I have worth to her. She had the ability to melt so much dross off of my life just by one unanticipated hug. However, because of things that had transpired, I know that it was difficult for her. I could go on and on about her strengths in a marriage. I also know her weaknesses. I would never badger her about them because I have matured enough to know that we all fall short. I also know that my weaknesses are probably too many to count. However, I do know one thing. I know that I have a warehouse full of undying love for her. I have enough to get her through her entire life. I am beginning to believe that she would not want to be proven wrong. I don’t think that she could ever prepare herself to sit down and eat that humble pie. She has made a point to tarnish any of my worth to her family and friends that I don’t believe that she could ever retract any of that. Actually, as I sit here and type that I am saying that there is no room for miracles. I apologize Lord. I am a believer of your miracles. This is exactly why I have been careful to not speak ill of her. She is my wife and mother of my children. I just tell others that I love her and that I do not understand all of her actions. She may never see my true heart and intentions until she is standing in the courtroom of the almighty. Of course then it won’t matter. This life on earth is just a blink of an eye yet we humans choose to have anger, unforgiveness and bitterness consume so much of it. Oh how I wish that I could go back in time. We spend so much time posting memes and songs that relate to us and make us feel empowered when the whole time we should have spent our energy loving one another. I sometimes like to think that I have it all figured out but I’m sure something will come along and show me otherwise. I just have to keep my mind open to the will of God and let pettiness sort itself out. 

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