Hi. To you, the reader, which will probably be solely me, so hello. Ive been thinking about writing again for quite some time, but life, laziness, and love, have dominated those thoughts, and prevented any action….until now.
I must establish why i want to write, and remind myself constantly in order to stay focused and motivated. When i think about putting pen to paper, i feel tired. Hearing the tap of the keys as i write out these ramblings makes me feel enthusiastic, like im being proactive in sorting my shit out.
Writing things down will allow me to reflect on the ideas over the course of 2018. The year i turn the big 3 0. Whilst the previous year was eventful…to say the least…im excited about the prospect of new growth, new beginnings, and new connections/relationships.
That idea makes me instantly nervous, and im yet to identify whether its a butterflies in the stomach kind of nervous, or the anxiety riddled moment you see police lights flashing behind you, even when you know youre innocent.
So far, in a recap of the last 12-13 months, i will back track significant events/memories/experiences that have led us to here.
January – Jose came up for a holiday, and never left. And my oh my hasnt that been a bundle of chaotic bliss. Jose’s entrance into our home will be a journal entry all to itself, as the complexities of that experience, were, and still are deep.
February – Simon got a bike, on the agreement he would quit smoking. I really believed him, and had faith in him. His lack of comittment to the process made me take noah and head to broadbeach for a few nights with Tom.
March – Puppies. The joy, the grief, love and loss. It was also i think the beginning of my legit stoner experiences. My weak af joints turned to bongs, and im afraid ive never looked back.
April – I guess April was good, as nothing specific comes up. We all had shit going on, in both our personal and professional relationships. Mcdougal is just one bit cauldron of chaos sometimes.
May – Was this when the ‘incident’ occured? I dont think so, i think it came late, and so these few months were probably not to bad. I was on antidepressants, they were working, and I was starting to feel quite chilled again. The weed was definitely also contributing to that.
June/July/August – Within those months, it all gets a bit blurry. The mary-jane haze and emotional rollercoaster that was the ‘incident’ threatened to really fuck up my marriage more than any psychotic rambling that had ever left my lips before. And rightly so. I acted selfishly, and without acknowledging the hurt that I could have, and did, cause my husband. We are still dealing with the fallout from that now, and i think we are at a point of real crossroads.
September – We acquired 2 more housemates. Are we fucking crazy? Seriously….. And youd think wed learn from our prior choices and get people on board that werent as emotionally and mentally fucked up…but no. We chose two of the worst. What followed was several months (it sounds dramatic, but in reality it was only a few now that i think of it) of lying, anxiety meltdowns, stealing, and domestic disputes. Have i mentioned that i question my sanity daily?
October – Noahs birthday. Caved and bought PS4. Mostly due to running out of time. Cue parent guilt. I was making weed a priority more than i should have been by this stage, and so my dependence really affected some decisions around that time. UCB happened. Was so lovely to get away. Just me and Si. It was a turbulent car trip from memory, but that isnt uncommon. We really connected intimately whilst away, and it felt like a great reset for our relationship, and that communciation lines were open again.
November – Simons birthday. We were beginning to struggle financially around this time, and still are. We had been experimenting with light party drugs as it provided the ultimate relaxing experience and made you feel a million miles away from work, and problems, and resonnsibilities. Towards the end of the month/beginning of December we celbrated our wedding anniversary with a trip to Mouses House. I dont think weve ever had a bad time up there, and this time was no exception. It was also around the time I had decided to stop/wean off my anti d/s. It was own personal choice. I also with what i felt was support, registered us up to a swingers site, which was fuck up number 2, and in terms of timing, i can see in hindsight, was majorly, epically bad. My reasons for doing this will be explained later, as im beginning to feel sleep coming on.
December – My birthday, christmas, new years. Our first swinging experience with a random. Good ol’ prossy. The decline in our relationship was occuring really quicjly bby this stage. I was unhappy. Si was unahppy. We couldnt bring each other back this time.
And so now we are in January. So far, this month, which is almost over, weve met another couple who we hit it off with fantastically. I have been eduating myself on polyamory and believe that is who i am. I love Simon, and do not want to divorce, but understand that this new revelation of wanting non-monogamy cannot and should not be forced upon another.