Tea Shop

Sitting here in the tea shop, I can not bare to think about what the next day has in store for me. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow after a long awaiting, I am worried it will not be of use to me at all. But I know what I want her to know:

My mood fluctuates like no tomorrow. I feel like I can not control it. I have been having bad nightmares, but I can fall asleep at such ease. I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed and I want to cope by drinking and smoking. I know they are bad coping mechanisms, but I see that my life won’t turn upside down and these small things won’t affect it that badly? 

Perhaps I am selfish, selfish toward myself. I put others before myself and I never put myself first. 

I will tell her how I want to numb my feelings. How I considered suicide. How I have a health issue now. How I want to press charges, but I am so afraid.

How I am defeated.

I feel so lonely despite having a s/o and some friends. I don’t know why. I feel like I am pushing them away. I want them around me. I wanted to be surrounded by happiness. I want to be happy.

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