Good morning

Ugh, it’s almost 7 in the morning and all I can think is “I don’t want to be up.” Of course, that’s all I’ve been thinking since I got up at 2 this morning, but since I have to work tonight (and sleep this afternoon) it helps me to get up so early. And it’s not like I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I went to bed around 6 last night because I had been up since midnight (for work again) and was tired. *sigh* I hate these weird hours and overnights, but I like scanning/file maintenance for the most part, so I do it. But it sucks then having to do regular hours the rest of the week, sometimes closing. Makes for a messed up sleep schedule.

Work has been kind of strained, for me anyway. There’s these papers we have to sign if we don’t do a void sheet for the day and I refused to sign it thinking she hadn’t given it to me in time (it was 2 weeks later!) but ultimately I signed it. Anyway, I got called into the managers office and had a talking to about how the sheets weren’t bad, just covering asses basically but not signing was not an option (I did sign it however) and about insubordination and how I could get in trouble with that and blah blah blah. I hate my manager. She lies to your face and says that you’re lying and doesn’t do anything to help. You can call for help and she won’t come. But yeah, I get how I can get in trouble for not doing what they want me to but it just pisses me off. And hating my manager doesn’t help those feelings. I hate cashiering because it means I have to work for her. So I avoid that as much as possible. But if I want more than 16 hours a week, I need to cashier. Ugh.

Sheesh, I’m all over the place today. Can’t seem to get my thoughts in a coherent order. At least I think so. Something else to share about me (I won’t hide it, especially not in here) is that I am seeing a doctor and in therapy for depression. Technically I’m diagnosed as bipolar but I don’t necessarily agree with that diagnosis. I haven’t been manic in years, but bipolar does run in the family so… yeah. Anyway, the depression can make my thoughts all go whirling about where it doesn’t seem like there’s a coherent thought in the place, but that’s part of the reason why I’m trying to journal. It helps get my thoughts down, something I can read later and it can help me think through some of the thoughts that I just can’t seem to pin down. Luckily my depression has been less as of late. The medication seems to be working and I have my first therapy session on Thursday (finally!). I’ve only been trying to get back into therapy for at least 6 months now, but I don’t have much money so I’ve been having to find other routes of getting into therapy. I used to see a therapist who I still wish I could see, but even at a discounted rate of $50 a visit…I can’t afford that. She was great to discount her rate for me though.

I can’t wait until I get my tax refund! I owe a community college near me for a book advance and they won’t let me take classes again until I pay that back (obviously). So that’s the main thing I’m doing with my refund. But the other thing I’ve decided to do is buy a bicycle with the rest of the money. Not a Walmart one but a nice one that I’m comfortable on and that I’ll enjoy riding. I think I’ll lose a little more weight if I start riding a bike to the closest things to us, which we have a grocery store and a Walmart and a bunch of other stuff close to us. And I’ve lost 40 pounds since last May but I’d like to lose a lot more. And work is only about 4 miles away. I wouldn’t ride there if it’s an overnight shift, obviously. But an afternoon or evening shift would be fine. If I can work up the endurance. Not when I first start riding of course! Anyway, it just seems like a smart investment. My old bike got stolen off my second story balcony so I won’t be leaving this one out on my patio. No, I’ll have to keep it in my room because that’s the only place in the apartment that it can go. That will suck. But not as much as having another bike stolen again.

Well, I think that’s all for today. I feel a little better. Sorry if it’s a little scatterbrained. Till we meet again!

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