Im back.

the title of this entry makes me instantly want to sing.  Depending on my mood is whether youll be hearing part of eminems chorus, or Gloria gaynors celebration song of independent women.  

Today started rough.  Explained to small human that and Si love each other so much, but that right now we are having a few difficulties,and so things are a bit tense right now.  There was lots of tears, long reassuring cuddles, and an Ed Sheeran playlist that we both agreed was probably wrong place wrong time. 

The funny thing about relationships is they have the power to both build and demolish character.  My relationship and marriage to Si is one i could never have expected for myself.  I had non existant self worth in the early years of our relationship, and i can honestly say that without him, my future would be looking so very differently right now.  

My need to explore untradtional non-monogamy came up tonight.  Si had been away the previous night, and we had left things yucky.  This past year for me has been about self growth, and really getting to know who i am, and the direction i want my life to go in. As someone who now thinks of themselves in a mostly ok way (it will always be a work in progress) I feel ok about asking for the things i want, provided it is done in a safe and consensual manner.  

Telling Si i was polyamorous and I wanted to explore that, was an initially anxiety riddled moment.  Especially given the hostile ground that all things swinging had dug up.  I feel like i made the right decision, as lying about how i felt was excruciating, and we are at a point now where we dont have that much left to lose.  

His initial reaction, as expected and totally understood, was hurt.  I explained to him what my defintion of polyamory was, and the ideas that appealed to me about that lifestyle.  If im honest, i can say that im scared. Just a bit.  

Weve agreed not to label our relationship right now, and intend to send some time working on ourselves as individuals, whilst still very actively participating within the family unit.  We have a significant amount of work to do, and both of us realise the road ahead isnt going to be smooth, or short.  

There is no expectation any more that we will end up together, live our last days in the company of one another.  What there is though is a need to be respectful, to grow, and to be honest to one another whilst remaining true to ourselves.  

Im not convinced that things will change, and openly admitted that.  It is now time for actions and less words, consistancy rather than novelty.  I want to work as part of a team.  

I hope this whole writing thing continues.  I dont like thinking about doing it, but like most things, when i begin, i really enjoy it.  

Stay tuned for the next installment of the house of chaos.

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