Dear conscience,

since school started I have been scheduling my hours, from 5 am to 9 pm there is something I need to do. I have not had a good chance to follow it thru. First, waking up in the morning, as early as 4 am is hard to do when one falls asleep at 2 am. Even though, I took melatonin at 9 pm. Although, I only planned to wake up early so I can get a nice parking spot, and going to the library to study is not a problem at all, it is to my advantage actually. But I will be able to buy my school parking pass this coming Wednesday, if not Thursday. I still have enough money to buy a day parking pass, but not lunch. So I have to plan well on Wednesday class. On the other hand, I am starting to see the uselessness in waking up so early for a class at 1 pm. and that is the only class I have on Wed. I did plan to use that morning free time to read my books and do my homeworks… but I may be able to sleep in Tuesday night. Yea, I could do my short workout on Tuesday night after that secret evening class that ends at 9 pm. and I am home a little before 10 pm. Second, my best friend’s birthday is coming up, and she’s turning 30! The moment she’s been waiting for so she wants to make it semi-special. Being the good friend that I am, I tend to drop what I need to do in order to help her out. Sunday, I planned to read my assignments the whole day, (yes, I’m a very boring person) but she wanted to go to Sprinkles cupcake. I thought that should only be an hour and some, and I can read the rest of the night for two hours. Nope. We left Newport Beach at 6:45 pm. I dropped her off by 7 pm, and I got home around 7:30 pm, just in time for me to have a dinner and relax. My point is instances that “forces” me to change my schedules come up left and right. And when I do have the time to attend to my books, I am already mentally tired. 

I am so tired these days, I am considering on chugging some 5 hour energy just so I can actually do my assignments on time. I think I am lagging just because of all the “free” time I actually have. In the back of my mind I know that it is a trick that I am seeing. I should, I SHOULD, take advantage and get ahead in my assignments. I am taking this “free” hours for granted, and I am going to regret it if I do not slap myself out of it. I wish someone would pester me into being productive and doing what I scheduled myself to do. My friends are too busy with their own shit that they do not have time to babysit me. It is not like they consider me as a helpless mo’fo. I know in their mind they think “she’s alive and well and still takes selfies, so she must be good.” How can I assume that? Because no one in my family ask me how I am doing, my best friend is too busy to worry about me, and my other close friend is too far away to really show concerns. Yes, he does genuinely would talk to me and ask me how I am. 

Maybe, it is also my fault that I do not ask for help or assistance, I do not know how. It is not in me. It is a dilemma. Also, when I asked my friends how are they, I really mean it. I really want to know how they are doing and if they are enjoying life, and I am there if they are facing trouble. I wish someone would be like that for me. 

I went on tangent. And so… how do I deal with my schedules…? I’ll drink energy drinks, and just do. 


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