I used to joke around that Tuesdays were my favorite day because of new DVD releases. But for real….. I love Tuesdays. Tonight was Celebrate Recovery meeting. It was great as usual. Tonights teaching was on “Denial”. I’ll admit, I always knew that my actions were not becoming of a Christian man/husband/father. During small group meetings I elaborated that what I was in denial about was the affects that my choices were having on my family. I would just see them as hiccups that we all needed to move past together. For a long time I have try to reverse rolls in my mind. What is my beautiful wife was acting the way I did?!?! Now, you see, there was things that she said or did that really bothered me because my emotions hung all on her. I would use that as an excuse to act childish. However, I would have been livid and broken if she was to be out at night away from her family. The speaker tonight said that we should not allow Satan to destroy us or our families. What we choose to not accept is that Satan has no power over us. We give him the power!!! The video played tonight was funny but it was a sad truth. It was about living with a gorilla in our house(sin, addiction etc). When the guy first got the gorilla it was a cute little baby still on the bottle. But when the gorilla grew up he ruined everything in the mans life. His family left etc. The family came back and started rebuilding their lives together. Later on there was a knock at the door….. it was the gorilla. The man started to answer the door and the wife looked at him and said “do not answer the door”. I thought that it was an awesome comparison. Unfortunately, I answered the door too many times. Now my family is gone and I am dead to my wife. I drove away the one thing most important to me. I spoke at small groups and said that I have wanted a Godly woman to come into my life to cure my loneliness but also be good for me. I said that the ultimate truth is that I have a Godly woman…… I am still married to her. She is everything that I could or have ever wanted. I was asked if my heart was truly into the restoration of my marriage. I said, yes, of course. I was told to not take my eyes off of the finish line. This is how I also believe. God did not bring me out into this desert to leave me. He will sustain me. Like I have said before……… there cannot be a true miracle/testimony if it looks possible. It appears to be just the opposite. It seems as though all hope is lost. God specializes in bringing dead things to life. He needs to make sure that he receives all of the Glory. Because, to be honest, I am powerless in my situation. I was advised to just keep trying to be the man God wants me to be and everything will fall into place. I hope that one day she looks into my eyes and says “our new found love has been nothing short of amazing. Thank you for working on yourself while allowing me to heal and process my emotions. I am looking forward to many more years as your loving wife”. I know that right now she might even scoff at that. However, I am a walking, talking miracle. I know that it may appear that I am at the bottom rung of the ladder however I am content in knowing that I am right where God wants me. My prayer has been answered when I told God to take away whatever he needed to in order to save my soul. That is exactly where he led me to. If feels sooooo good to be able to earnestly pray for my wife. I know that she doesn’t like me but it doesn’t change the way I feel for her. I love her unconditionally. If there is one person that could forgive her for anything… it would be me. I’ll admit, I get nervous about her working in a factory and being exposed to worldly things. I know that this world wants to tear you down to a nub. My prayer is that her relationship with God will bring her through unscathed. The world has surely left its mark on me. I do not desire for her to have to deal with the same regrets as I have. I pray that she continues to be a lighthouse wherever she goes and that she is a walking testament to the things of Christ. That is my prayer for both of us. I’ve been in the “world”. I know that it is harsh. People aren’t always what they seem. My beautiful bride is probably sleeping right now. I don’t know who or what she is dreaming about. I often wonder if she has ever had one thought of me. I wonder if she has prayed for my safety or soul. I wonder if she has dreamed about one of our many escapades together. My FB memories yesterday were all about going to “Quakersteak” & “Scheels”. We laughed and laughed that day. I’m fairly certain that I dream of her every night. She knows me better than anyone else does. I guarantee if she met me for the first time tomorrow that we would have a connection. I know that the connection that we previously shared was tainted by her hurts. But dang, we accomplished a lot together even with my bad spending habits. I’d give anything to go back and give her my debit card and eat at home every night. LOL She is such a doll. Her cheeks infatuate me. I am just picturing in my mind the thousands of times that I leaned over and pinched her cheeks. She was probably annoyed but it brought so much satisfaction to let her know how much that she meant to me on every level. I keep rambling because of all of these thoughts running through my head. I should probably go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day. I was invited to join a mens bible study tomorrow night. I am very excited. No tavern has ever brought that kind of satisfaction. I know what these guys mean when they say things like that. The freedom in Jesus cannot be replicated in any other way. I’m excited also about my friends commitment to the group and bible study. I am picking him up tomorrow. I hope to have more men join with me in this journey. I also committed to a mens conference in March. There will probably be around 30 of us go and be encouraged as a group as well as individually. Lets just say that I am excited about what God has in store for me!!!!!!!