Admitted

I’ve always believed he got me pregnant on purpose.  Of course, I wasn’t on birth control so I knew it was possible. I also hoped it wouldn’t happen with him. I knew I didn’t like being with him. I remember saying I wanted to split up once our lease was over; I no longer wanted to live together or even be a couple.  I was working first shift and went to bed earlier than him. Many nights I would wake up to him on top of me, already having penetrated.  Rather than fight him I allowed him to finish. He was almost always drunk on these nights. In fact, he was drunk nearly every night. Occasionally, after finishing (and oops, not pulling out),  he would ask me when I was supposed to ovulate.  I would mentally calculate days and weeks and (if he asked the question, ) the answer was now-ish. It was odd how he always seemed to know because he only asked if it was just about ovulation time. I thought it weird, but it was some time (too late) before I realized he had planned it. One time, several years ago I got him to admit to me that he knew what he was doing and was trying to purposely get me pregnant . Later, he denied ever saying that and also denied the planning to be true. 

Tonight, during a discussion,  he said he doesn’t want me to have male friends because he doesn’t want another Ray situation to take place, especially with a man. Ray was a female I was friends with and she got possessive,  controlling,  crazy, and downright stalkerish on me earlier this year. We went back and forth about how it would be different. I wouldn’t wake up to a man standing over me the way I did with Ray, because the boundaries would be different from the beginning,  simply because of the gender. I said guys aren’t like that, it wouldn’t happen. He actually said “how do you think you ended up with me? Guys can be crazy.” I asked what he meant and his response was, “I wouldn’t leave you alone until you were pregnant.” (Meaning/as in “I wouldn’t have left you alone until you were pregnant”)

I kept cool, but I wanted to flip the fuck out! What the hell does he mean? You not only meant to get me pregnant, but you wold have continued pursuing me and not let the relationship end because you wanted me pregnant? I want to pick his brain more on this, but I know he’ll shut down and not give clear, real answers. Now that I’ve had time to process and come up with questions I know he’s moved on and is likely at the point he would deny even saying it. 

I want to know if he actually wanted/wants to be with me, or if it was more like I was available at the time so it had to be me. I’m just floored. Absolutely blown away. Knowing all along, in my heart and mind, isn’t the same as actually hearing him say it. And the way he said it. Just wow. 

Here it is 13 years since we met (literally 13 years ago TODAY-because it’s officially past midnight), 11 years married and 2 kids later and the real stuff comes out. 

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