I’ve decided I need professional help.

I’ve suffered from depression since a child. I always chalked it up to the shitty childhood. I won’t bore anyone with details. But poor, abusive, neglected etc. I was diagnosed bipolar in junior high. Once again I thought it’s just because I have to fight through all this crap. Meds made me numb. But I took them off and on for almost 2 decades. I got married, got divorced, had a kid. Now at 31 I’ve been off anti depressants for over a year. In that year and a half I have lost 110#s, I fell in love. Lost that love. Bought a home, lost three jobs, gotten very I’ll and currently have a broken leg. Oh yeah… also I’m a single mom of a special needs child. I’ve been realizing I need help for a while now. My depression and anxiety leaving me in tears multiple times a day. I volunteer on a board of directors for a sports league. I love it. However tonight I got a rude awakening…. they don’t like my personality. In the email I got it’s described the problem areas of my personality. It described the way I I am and how people perceive it. Tore me apart. I don’t mean to cut people off it doesn’t mean that I don’t respect them it’s usually because I’m so excited about something. I don’t try to be negative. Sometimes I’m negative because my anxiety thinks about all the things I can go wrong. So I try to find Solutions. I can’t explain to them that I’m bipolar and that my intentions really are to do better. To have the league president basically told me that they don’t want me on the board hurt me so deeply. I love this league and the children and families that are part of it. I didn’t realize that the other board members felt that I was so rude and unprofessional. I didn’t even realize I was over talking them or being negative. I was blindsided. He yelled at me in front of everybody in our meeting. I left as an email that really really hurt. So that I started thinking about my past jobs. I tend not to get along with others because I bury myself at work. I get hyper focused and have the same problems that he was just arriving at work. I haven’t been able to keep down a good job the last year and a half. I think I need to go back on medication. I’m sad that I will lose my personality, I’m sad that I won’t be able to feel Joy, I won’t be able to feel in love, I lose my sex drive. However hopefully I can get back in the corporate world and behave more socially appropriate. My son loves baseball so much. This league means so much to us. I will be a better mom without my ups and downs. My son deserves me to be better. I hope he never developed feelings like I have. I hope he never feels useless, ugly, worthless and scared. He is so perfect. I hope getting professional help will help me help him. I’m making this public because I need support. Comments are welcome. I’m going to see a doctor ASAP. I feel so alone. 

2 thoughts on “I’ve decided I need professional help.”

  1. Rache,
    Although it’s difficult to openly express in writing how distraught you’re feeling, I do hope you find solace knowing that you’re not alone. This journey to self discovery and awareness is not a straight path. Go beyond your own feelings and read between the fragmented relationships to delve into self awareness and self love. Instead of relying on other’s perception of yourself, I would pray that you would know your own true self (and all the imperfections) and be bold and courageous in everything you do. There is no such thing as true happiness if there is no self love. I recommend you start here as this has helped me tremendously. https://lonerwolf.com/start-here/

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