Tonight was my first night in mens bible study. Needless to say that I am addicted to the fellowship and learning. God has taken that desire of fellowship that I used to try and find in a tavern and brought these meetings and bible studies into my life. They had already done 2 “sessions” that go along with the book called “The invisible war”. I will watch the videos online and complete the first two chapters. Hearing about others hurts, mistakes, shortcomings, desires etc have really helped me out. When you meet people who seem to be regular Joe’s who attend church and they look good on the outside. It is amazing to hear the things that they have walked through to get to where they are right now. Tonight we covered many things but what stuck out to me the most was “deceived” and “defensiveness”. Satans very first assault on mankind was by deception. It is hard for me to grasp that we can be deceived and think that we are in the right. Our only true guide is Gods word and his voice. Secondly, defensiveness. We are all guilty to some degree by being touchy about certain things. Especially if there is light that exposes our darkness. Then we can get real touchy. I blamed my wife for being defensive when I would try to talk to her. I would try to extract things from her thinking that it would be to our benefit because I needed openness and RESOLVE. I have since been informed that although my intentions were good, it just didn’t fit her methods of communication. We are different people. She needed more patience and time than I needed. I cannot go into detail about what others in the groups have shared but I have shared many of their experiences. I try to lend my heart/advice because I know that my learning processes could be of benefit to someone else. One thing that I never struggled with in my marriage was pornography and the desire for other women. I can honestly say that my wife kept my cup full. To this day I think that she is the most astounding woman alive. DO I agree with some of her actions?!?!?!? Heck no!! However, she is doing what she thinks that she needs to do. If at any time she feels like she has acted in ways that bother her then I will be on the sidelines with a semi load full of forgiveness for her. I pray that we get the chance to reconcile. I know that I NEED her forgiveness in my life as well as forgiving myself. I cannot put into words how angry I am at myself for ever even making that sweet lady cry even once. Let alone the countless times. I am trying to climb out of this deep depression from losing my family and dealing with the shame and embarrassment of my actions. I was awoken around 4:30 this morning with a sudden sense of joy and expectancy that I have not felt in a LONG time. Is that you Lord telling me something??? I have had many unhealthy desires just taken away from me. I need to stay in constant seeking mode to hear from my father. It is literally like I woke up and seen my future flash before my eyes. It was so beautiful. My children and lovely bride were in it. We had financial peace and we were just a strong force bound together the way it is meant to be. There is nothing above my God. I will keep proclaiming that my God is the master of peace, restoration and blessing. I just want to knock myself in the head for not being the master of my own life. Why didn’t I go to mens groups before?!?! Why did I use my wife as a crutch to get me through every day. I mean, I thought that she would value my clinginess. It was a bit unhealthy. I should have been the head of my house and marriage. I should have made myself respectable to my wife. It’s not that I didn’t want to be. I’m believing that I am right where God wants me and trusting in his perfect timing. Not gonna lie, it’s tough. But what’s better? Our timing or God’s timing?