I haven’t journaled in a while and so much has changed. My Doctor put me on an anti psychotic, and it’s working, so well. My anxiety has gone down, and the voice and hallucinations have stopped happening. I feel so completely different. It’s hard to accept that this dullness i feel in my mind is actually a good thing, and that it is a pay off for having some quiet.

Paranoia is at a high these days even though my emotions are quite level. I was given a card today from my coworkers, since I’ve now worked here for a year. It was a card regarding the deer spirit, which is understandable since we are an aboriginal organization. But the message ‘listen to your instincts’ was replaced with ‘listen to your elders’. Am I too loud? Have I offended someone? Clearly I am acting like a know it all brat for someone to say this to me. A piece of my mind is saying that perhaps it was just meant as a kind word or more fitting but I can’t help but feel like everyone thinks I am annoying or don’t heed to advice. It’s eating at me, I feel so ashamed and targeted.

I am reading the book my husband picked up regarding loving someone with bipolar disorder. It makes me feel like there is something so fucked up about me. I read through these symptoms and signs they speak of that may make you feel unloved (as a partner) and here I was thinking that everyone felt and did these things.

My life this year has been one huge fuck up and revelation all in one.

I pray there is some reprieve.

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