She carried around with her a slight tinge of hyper-sensitivity to the expressions on people’s faces and an insensitivity towards herself. Her missing premise in any chain of inner dialogue was always “I am unworthy” and she never dared to question her maxim. For, as it were, just like there is Being and Non-being, there is worthiness and un-worthiness and both thesis’ had contradictions as conclusions. Truth, had become over the years a matter of indifference to her and she had fallen into the realm of senses, back into the immediate, after failing to reconcile the gap between her inner world and objective reality. Now, all is subjective reality and she had often wondered if Hell existed, not on earth, or in the imagination, but as particular constitution of the mind; a constitution much like her own.
She looked back on the days where she still had hope with a sort of nostalgia mixed with bitterness and pity. “Naivety…” she mumbled to herself, “pathetic.”
It was true, she had been naive. Upon reflection of her younger self she found herself blushing more often than cherishing her memories. It wasn’t until her later years that she was able to see her own motives, motives that were obvious then, but only obvious to her now. She never understood how it was that she was so self-blind, so self-deluded. It appeared to her in the back of her mind, when she recalled the expressions on peoples faces that, they always saw behind her smoke and mirrors, but not once from the age of 12-19 was she able to see through her own.
As she contemplated these aspects of herself, the muscles of her neck tensed up and her shoulders lifted and tightened but she was unconscious of her own physical reaction. It wasn’t until her body forced her to stretch, out of exhaustion, that when she was released, she felt the pain in her shoulders and down her back.
It had always been curious to her the way in which the body shares in the suffering of the mind. That they are one and many at the same time. The a great deal of the mechanics of the body escapes her daily consciousness and the thousands of thoughts she has in a day, escapes her body. Yet, her body often betrays her thoughts in conversation and she could, if she so tried, overcome the body through purposeful starvation or drugs or suicide.
She stared down at her hands and was caught off guard that they briefly appeared alien to her.