2/1/18 — Poor Life Decisions

So I gave into my selfish desires and reconnected with an “ex” of mine. Probably a terrible life decision. He’s no one good. He has a bad reputation. A serious meth-head, been to jail quite a few times, really isn’t that good of a person. There’s a possibility that he could have HIV. I dated him for two or three days back in the summer. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not even two full days into our relationship and I had to watch him get arrested. 

Well, he’s been out since October. I figured, if he wouldn’t come after me, then he doesn’t care, I should move on. But somehow I managed to keep hearing about him. So-and-so saw him walking here, a friend told me he stole a bike from him, his name somehow always gets brought up because he’s well known around town. 

Well, to finally quench my thirst and to kill my curiosity, I sent him a friend request on Facebook. And he messages back. And we make plans to hang the next day. And I end up spending two nights with him. Me, and this guy, your stereotypical thug-type character you really wouldn’t want your own kid to date. Me, a nineteen year old, and this guy, some twenty-six year old with no job and not even a real place to call home. But I was selfish, I was lustful, and I went after him. No real intention to date. Just to experiment. Just to have fun.

I will give him one thing, he did give me a choice. He wouldn’t mind being my boyfriend, or a friend with benefits, or an occasional fuck-buddy, or even just a one-night-stand, maybe just a friend or even nobody at all. He didn’t care. He gave me full power over the situation. He made me seem in control, and I liked that. So yeah, we had some fun. Do I regret it? Still not sure…for all I know, I can now be HIV positive. Were the rumors true? Did he give me something? Or was he the one telling me the truth, that he had tested negative when he went to jail? I don’t know. I will get myself tested soon, though. If I’m tested negative…would I consider giving a relationship with him a shot? Do I want to actually date him, or do I want him for his body?

A lot of people would not like the fact that I’m involved with him in any way. He’s hurt people. He probably lied about a lot. Why did I have to go and be selfish? And do I want to keep being selfish? 

4:06 A.M.
2/1/18

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