The process.

So, tonight marks night 3 into the disclosure that I am wanting to further explore polyamory as it is something that i am very drawn to.  As a married woman who has to admit that monogamy now isnt for me, thats understandably extremely hard for Si to understand, and has bought up closer to the edge of separation than weve ever come before.  

It has been hard.  So. Damn. Hard.  We are both struggling with the hurt, betrayal, and sadness that our relationship isnt a certainty anymore.  Whilst I am faring ok right now, Si’s emotional rollercoaster is extreme, and I feel like it wouldnt matter how patient, understanding or supportive i could be, the issue of monogamy versus non monogamy is somthing that is as much a divide as ones sexual orientation could be.  

Pressuring him to understand and give polyamory a go, is so unfair and disresepectful.  Unfortunately so is now expecting me to forget about wanting to open up my relationships and explore all that people have to bring to my life.  That risk, of ending up alone, due to no fault of either of ours, is very real.  

I want my ‘journey’ to 30 to be about self exploration.  Exploration and growth within our realtionship and marriage.  I want to put forward my needs and for them to be heard.  I want the opportunity to explore my self, a 29 year old woman living in Australia, and who I am.  These opportunities in my opinion will allow me to better self regulate and identify what my triggers are, and i guess in its more complex adult sense, self soothe.  I believe with self knowledge comes self love, and that self love creates happiness and positive well bring.  With that, i hope is being a good wife and a good mother, but why cant being a good human be enough?

From todays lengthy and at time repetitive conversations, my options at this point are to take 3-6 months of separation, with Si in or out of our family home.  Im not to embark or seek out any possible polyamory discoveries within this time, (um, derr, like i could have the emotional energy to carry two relationships right now, when the main one is falling down quicker than my life around me) and hopefully go to some couples couselling.  I have put the orgaisation of that on to Si, as for me y rewuirements are that i need to see physical change in this relationship in order to be ok to keep my end of the bargain.  One of my biggest issues in this 6 year period is feeling like im in this alone.  That the responsibilities of the house, our child, the bills, are on me.  Its exhausting.  I will not waste any more time on this relationship without change.  

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