This must be important

So I literally got up from my bed to type this so it must be a life or death situation… not at all. I just have so much on my mind; I can’t sleep, I’m overthinking everything that I do and its literally driving me nuts like I’m about to lose my shit. I would rather take it out on my writing than on my boyfriend were already walking on egg shells in this relationship and it sucks because this is definitely what we have been trying to avoid since we became an official “item”. Maybe were just too comfortable with each other at this point. Don’t worry I don’t have thoughts of leaving the guy or anything I’m just really annoyed with the same bullshit just a different day and I know he’s tired of it too he just does a good job of not showing it. He’ll smoke some weed and then go play Fifa for hours with his friends. Me? I don’t have that luxury you see I don’t have friends or at least anyone I trust to talk to so I’m all I got. I can talk to him but how stupid is that for me to complain to him about him HAHA I just wish he was more attentive you know like ugh idk maybe I’m just asking for too much or I just want more. I think all the shit we have gone through these last 9 months have really just egged on and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Almost 2 months ago I found out I was pregnant and he wasn’t too happy. I can imagine why I mean who wants to give up weekends they don’t remember and going crazy to raise a baby? Right? He always told me “whatever you wanna do” but thats not what I needed to here. Long story short, we decided not to go through with the pregnancy and frankly it has been one of the hardest decisions and biggest mistake I have ever made in my 20 years of life. I think about my baby every day. I hope he/she knows that mommy loves him & I pray that one day you can forgive me for what your dad and I did. It’s been so hard just processing the whole situation. It has definitely put a HUGE strain on my relationship. Being around my boyfriend just makes me upset because of the decision we made. I say we, but in reality I knew it was what he wanted and for fear of losing him, I gave up the one thing that would’ve made my life so beautiful. I feel like I have some sort of resentment towards him that I cant let go. Don’t worry he didn’t force me into it, but he definitely brought up the idea which was something that even tho came to my head too, it wouldn’t have felt so real if he wouldn’t have kept pushing it and asking and just making something so beautiful so negative.. I love my boyfriend, id take a bullet for him easy, I just don’t know if we will survive this and it’s eating me alive….. 

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